Letters to Myself

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?

When I was first diagnosed with a depressive episode with psychotic features, I kept it entirely to myself. I felt so embarrassed by my condition, fearing that if people found out, they would judge me, ignore me, and stay away. But the longer I kept it bottled up and refused to communicate, the more I noticed that people couldn't truly understand or respect my boundaries. I realized I had become incredibly sensitive to everything.

After two months of carrying this heavy secret, I gave up trying to hide it. For the first time, I chose to open up about my condition to my supervisor. Surprisingly, he was incredibly supportive and offered me exactly the flexibility and help I needed. In that moment, I felt a wave of relief, like the universe finally understood me.

Three months into my treatment, I took an even bigger step and decided to share my journey on social media. And boom! The response was overwhelming. So many people flooded me with support. A friend living in Japan even texted to check on me, listening deeply without interrupting or judging. Endless prayers and encouragement filled my post.

That was the moment my perspective completely shifted. My depression is not my aib (shameful secret). Instead, it has become a gateway to knowing myself better—understanding my life, my limits, and what I truly want. My depression is just a single chapter in my life, not the whole book. It does not define who I am; it is simply a profound lesson. Today, I am no longer ashamed. I accept it, I learn from it, and I fully embrace my vulnerability.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

 If I had the I life I wanted. what would today look like?

It would start with me sitting in a cozy café, writing while sipping a hot latte, my absolute favorite coffee. Afterward, I would wander around the city, or perhaps catch a flight to a completely different country. I would fully enjoy the journey, typing away on my laptop as the clouds pass by the airplane window.

In this life, I would constantly meet new people, share deep conversations, and gather new lessons from every soul I cross paths with. I would share these perspectives on my social media, hoping to inspire others. I would spend hours reading, freely buying every book that catches my eye. And most importantly, I would run a free English course for children who don't have the financial means to afford one, teaching them, sharing with them, and opening doors for their future. That's it. That would be my perfect day.

 What and who is worth suffering for?*

Before my dark era arrived, I always put other people before myself. But then, I realized that when I needed help, they couldn't be there for me. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, in the end, I could only rely on myself. I was so angry and disappointed back then because nobody was by my side, and nobody understood the things that I myself didn't even comprehend. It also made me mad when people tried to explain things to me that I could no longer make sense of. The feelings were just too hard to describe.

Day by day, I chose to walk alone. I asked myself a thousand questions, trying to truly understand who I was. Then, without even realizing it, I slowly fell in love with myself and my life again.

So, when asked this question, I will answer loudly: YOURSELF!

You have to fight for yourself, for your life, and for your dreams, not for anyone else. Maybe we can choose to suffer for others at times, but look at how it ends. People come and go, right? Ultimately, you have to come back to yourself. You are the only one who will always be there, standing by your own side.

So, please, love and respect yourself. Say thank you to yourself before you close your eyes at night.

Hi myself, 

Thank you for surviving and fighting today. 

You did so well, and I'm proud of you. 

I love you.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 138)

Am I truly doing the best I can right now?

This question forces me to pause. Am I living for myself, or am I still reacting to the expectations of the world?

After going through a dark era in my life, I am finally trying to focus on myself and do what I truly want to do. For example, on my journey to mastering English, I know I still have so much to learn. There is still a vast ocean of information out there that I haven't discovered yet. But this time, I actually enjoy the process. I am not doing it because of my circumstances or because of external pressure. I am doing it because my inner self needs it.

I am doing my best right now, and I am choosing to surrender the results. Either way, I love my progress and I am proud of myself. Thank you for surviving and learning through every single season. 

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years? Ten? Twenty?

Looking at my daily routines, I see myself becoming a blogger, an English teacher, and a digital content creator. I know I am not a native speaker, but I have a deep love for English. I love learning it, and more than that, I love sharing it.

There is something magical about English for me. It gives a voice to everything in my mind. For some reason, when I write and speak in English, I can be more honest, vulnerable, and truly myself. I don't know exactly why, but it feels like home. That is the future I am building toward, one daily routine at a time. I truly hope it comes true.