Letters to Myself

Photo by juliane Monari

Today, I am officially 29. As I tiptoe closer to my thirties, I feel nervous, a little sad, but deeply proud of the person I’m becoming.

My twenties were full of fighting. but in this last stretch, I finally learned to accept, know, and love myself more. The biggest lesson? Accepting all my feelings, making peace with my depression, and stepping out of the race of comparison.

When depression first hit, I was so angry and in denial. But over time, I learned to embrace my condition gently and completely.

My biggest milestone this year isn't external, it’s forgiving those who hurt me in the past, and building a bridge of love and understanding with my parents. They are now my biggest support system.

Here’s to my last year in my twenties. May it bring peace, joy, a gentle heart... and maybe a true love and a very healthy bank account.

O Allah, thank you for guiding me to forgive, accept, and love my life. 

Thank you for always be there for me, through both my dark and my light eras. 

Please stay with me, and never let me walk alone without Your guidance. 

The last, happy birthday myself! 

Happy birthday to me! 

 The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.

The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.*

I found this quote in a book I read, and it made me stop and think. Is this really true? When I see someone's behavior, do I love it because I also value it in myself?

I think the answer is yes. For example, I really appreciate people who are good listeners. I love this quality because I always try to listen to others carefully without interrupting or judging their stories. I value that trait in myself, so I admire it in others too.

However, the second part of the quote is harder to accept. When I dislike something in another person, it often acts like a mirror. Sometimes, I hate a specific attitude in others because I secretly have it in myself, but I refuse to admit it. Other times, I dislike it because it reminds me of a weakness I am trying hard to fix.

People are like mirrors for our own hearts. They help us see what we love about ourselves and what we still need to heal.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 16)

I used to think that I had to be happy every day. I believed that feeling happy meant winning at life. So back then, I suppressed my feelings and ignored every emotion that came. But keeping them inside was like holding a bomb, and finally, it exploded.

My psychiatrist told me that one of the reasons for my depression was my habit of harboring my feelings. I never expressed my pain and never talked about it. I just held everything by myself.

But then, I realized something important. Feeling sad, angry, or disappointed is completely normal. These feelings are part of life, and what you feel at a difficult time does not define who you are. Emotions are like seasons. They come and go. They are temporary, not permanent.

Did Allah promise that we have to live with happiness all the time? No, He did not.

In fact, Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155):

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient."

Even the prophets felt sad and faced heavy trials in their lives. Sadness is not a sign of weak faith; it is just a natural part of being human. Allah also reminds us in Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5–6) that hardship and ease always come together: "For indeed, with hardship comes ease."

So please, embrace every feeling that comes. Every emotion is normal, and it is part of life. Healing is not about being happy every day. It is about giving yourself permission to feel, knowing that Allah is always with you through every season.

Healing is really just letting yourself feel every feeling is worthwhile.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 41)

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?*

I would do everything I want without fear of judgment. So often, we hesitate to take a step forward because we aren't ready for people’s reactions, comments, or criticism.

But if we really think about it: why should we let their opinions hold us back? Why don't we trust ourselves more? It is hard, but if you want to grow, you have to move forward and learn to tune out the noise. Let them speak; let them keep their perspectives. This is your life, and nobody gets to dictate how you live it. You are independent, and you hold the pen to your own story.

Yet, the hardest judgments often come from the people closest to us. Sometimes their criticism stems from worry, or simply from seeing things differently. And that's okay. But at the end of the day, the ultimate decision-maker for your life is still you.

I hope you learn to trust and listen to your inner voice above all others.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

Living back with my parents after spending three years away in Bandung opened my eyes to a quiet reality: their struggles are real, yet they always choose to hide them from their children.

A year ago, I moved back to my hometown after realizing my mental health was deteriorating, leading to a diagnosis of a depressive episode. Throughout this past year at home, I often felt helpless, as if I couldn't contribute much because I was still fighting my own inner battles every single day.

But lately, I’ve been thinking deeply. I know my trauma lingers, it was born in my past, yet its shadows still haunt me even when I step into new spaces. Still, I ask myself: how long will I let my fear win? How long will I allow my past to hold me back while I truly want to stand up and support my parents financially?

So, what should I do next? Is it time to try again: to face my trauma, anchor it firmly in the past, and remind myself that this place is new? The environment, the atmosphere, the people, and the chapters ahead are all fresh. Maybe it’s time to let the newness finally begin.