Letters to Myself

This week has taught me a lot about life.

First, I decided to return to school. It was unpredictable. As you know, my plan was to study English hard to get a higher score. But then, I realized something: I only truly understand after I teach or share with other people. That is my learning style: learning by teaching.

I know this is not easy. In the morning, I have to go to school, and in the evening, I teach at the English course. Sometimes this routine makes me tired. My parents spoke to me and asked how I felt. For the first time, I felt truly cared for. They asked me, "Are you tired? Do you feel forced because of our family's condition?" But my answer was no. I just want to do it and learn to face my own fears.

Second, I don’t know how to express this properly, but even though I am the newest teacher at school, I love the environment and the principal. Based on my observations over these past two weeks, she doesn't just look at the results—she really appreciates the process itself. She never lets me feel alone.

Third, I met my former colleague, and she shared her situation with me. It made me so angry! She was yelled at by a stakeholder in front of many people. It was crazy! Even though this person is the child of an ustadz, they showed no manners (adab) at all. She cried in front of me while telling the story. This made me realize that just because someone is the child of a religious leader, it doesn't mean they have good character. Never judge a book by its cover!

What relieved me was that she finally resigned from that school. I tried to remind her that all her feelings are valid. She doesn't have to force herself to forgive them right away. She should give herself space to feel and process her emotions.

Finally, I want to say Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah, and thank you to myself. Thank you for letting yourself experience a new atmosphere. Thank you for trusting Allah’s plan, asking for His help in every situation, and leaving the results to Him. Everything happens for a reason and by His permission.

Thank you for treating yourself gently. You don't have to force yourself to be perfect all the time. Allow yourself to make mistakes, because making mistakes is normal and helps you learn. Remember, nobody is perfect.

Embrace every single part of your life. You cannot control everything, only Allah can.

What kind of thoughts often hold you back?

Lately, the thoughts that hold me back are: "Am I capable of this? Can I handle it? What if I fail? What if this is the wrong choice for me?"

There are many good words for positive affirmation, but sometimes they don't work for me. I still doubt myself, and the fear of failure still haunts me.

But then, I remember something important: everything happens in this world by Allah’s permission. Your failures do not define who you are. They are only a part of your life. If you fail, at least you tried. You will not regret it because, in the end, you still learn a valuable lesson.

Remember, every new place has a different story for you. Not everything will end up like your past experience. Say Alhamdulillah because Allah allows you to be there. And if you fail, that is okay as long as you prepare well and give your best. Do not look for applause from people. Just seek His ridha, and your path will feel lighter.

Photo by juliane Monari

Today, I am officially 29. As I tiptoe closer to my thirties, I feel nervous, a little sad, but deeply proud of the person I’m becoming.

My twenties were full of fighting. but in this last stretch, I finally learned to accept, know, and love myself more. The biggest lesson? Accepting all my feelings, making peace with my depression, and stepping out of the race of comparison.

When depression first hit, I was so angry and in denial. But over time, I learned to embrace my condition gently and completely.

My biggest milestone this year isn't external, it’s forgiving those who hurt me in the past, and building a bridge of love and understanding with my parents. They are now my biggest support system.

Here’s to my last year in my twenties. May it bring peace, joy, a gentle heart... and maybe a true love and a very healthy bank account.

O Allah, thank you for guiding me to forgive, accept, and love my life. 

Thank you for always be there for me, through both my dark and my light eras. 

Please stay with me, and never let me walk alone without Your guidance. 

The last, happy birthday myself! 

Happy birthday to me! 

 The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.

The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.*

I found this quote in a book I read, and it made me stop and think. Is this really true? When I see someone's behavior, do I love it because I also value it in myself?

I think the answer is yes. For example, I really appreciate people who are good listeners. I love this quality because I always try to listen to others carefully without interrupting or judging their stories. I value that trait in myself, so I admire it in others too.

However, the second part of the quote is harder to accept. When I dislike something in another person, it often acts like a mirror. Sometimes, I hate a specific attitude in others because I secretly have it in myself, but I refuse to admit it. Other times, I dislike it because it reminds me of a weakness I am trying hard to fix.

People are like mirrors for our own hearts. They help us see what we love about ourselves and what we still need to heal.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 16)

I used to think that I had to be happy every day. I believed that feeling happy meant winning at life. So back then, I suppressed my feelings and ignored every emotion that came. But keeping them inside was like holding a bomb, and finally, it exploded.

My psychiatrist told me that one of the reasons for my depression was my habit of harboring my feelings. I never expressed my pain and never talked about it. I just held everything by myself.

But then, I realized something important. Feeling sad, angry, or disappointed is completely normal. These feelings are part of life, and what you feel at a difficult time does not define who you are. Emotions are like seasons. They come and go. They are temporary, not permanent.

Did Allah promise that we have to live with happiness all the time? No, He did not.

In fact, Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155):

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient."

Even the prophets felt sad and faced heavy trials in their lives. Sadness is not a sign of weak faith; it is just a natural part of being human. Allah also reminds us in Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5–6) that hardship and ease always come together: "For indeed, with hardship comes ease."

So please, embrace every feeling that comes. Every emotion is normal, and it is part of life. Healing is not about being happy every day. It is about giving yourself permission to feel, knowing that Allah is always with you through every season.

Healing is really just letting yourself feel every feeling is worthwhile.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 41)