Letters to Myself

Hai, selamat memasuki hari Senin di esok hari. Untuk kamu yang tengah bersiap-siap untuk menghadapi esok hari, semoga harinya dilancarkan dan sesuai dengan apa yang direncanakan, ya!

So, how was your week?

Nothing special.

Cuma seminggu ini aku babak belur dengan flu, batuk, asma yang datang silih berganti. Baru kali ini, entah mengapa, asmanya terasa the worst in my life. Kadang aku berpikir, apa sebenarnya tubuh aku terus meronta-ronta, meminta aku untuk lebih banyak istirahat dulu daripada kedebag-kedebug bekerja?

Tapi gimana, ya? Aku juga dilema. Di satu sisi, aku juga butuh uang. Aku nggak bisa mengandalkan siapa-siapa lagi selain mengandalkan diri sendiri. Meski sedih sih, sebenarnya, tapi mau bagaimana lagi, ya?

Orang tua juga sudah khawatir banget dengan kondisi aku yang akhir-akhir ini mudah sakit, dan sakitnya sudah bukan main-main lagi. Apalagi kalau asmanya udah kambuh. Mereka juga dilema. Mereka minta aku untuk berhenti kerja, tetapi mereka juga nggak bisa afford kebutuhan pribadi aku. Ditambah kondisi keuangan mereka juga lagi nggak baik-baik saja.

Kadang aku mikir, udah kerja keras mati-matian dari pagi sampai malam kadang, tapi ya penghasilannya segitu-gitu saja, bahkan masih di bawah UMR. Boleh nggak sih nyalahin pemerintah? Kalau kayak gini terus, kapan aku bisa keluar dari garis kemiskinan ini? Dan lucunya lagi desil aku berada di antara 6-10. WKWKKWKWKWKWK. Kadang memang hidup se-absurd itu, ya.

Apalagi pekerjaan aku adalah guru.

Ya, nggak usah ditanyain lagi, ya, gimana jadi guru di negeri ini.

MIRIS.

Kadang rasanya aku pengen menyerah dengan semua ini. Tapi aku sadar, mengambil keputusan besar tanpa dasar yang kuat dan tanpa backup dana yang cukup juga bukan keputusan yang bijak.

Meski begitu, hal yang paling aku syukuri adalah kedua orang tua aku nggak pernah menuntut aku dan tetep support pekerjaan aku. Cuma ya, aku juga pengen bisa bantu mereka, meringankan beban mereka. Dan ini belum bisa.

Begitu pun mereka sebaliknya. Mereka juga ingin memberikan aku lebih, tapi apa daya. Untuk sekadar bisa bertahan hidup di era sekarang saja sudah lebih dari cukup.

Aku sadar dan aku semakin memahami kondisi diriku saat ini. Aku nggak bisa mengerjakan semua hal sekaligus. Memang ini kapasitas aku. Aku hanya bisa merangkak sedikit demi sedikit untuk bisa keluar dari lingkaran kemiskinan ini.

Aku nggak bisa lagi keras sama diri sendiri untuk melakukan banyak hal yang memang diri aku sendiri saja nggak sanggup.

Ihat,

Ingat, ya, nggak semua hal harus kamu tanggung sendiri.

Nggak semua hal harus menjadi penyesalan kamu hanya karena kamu belum bisa mewujudkan keinginan kamu.

Niat baikmu tetap akan menjadi nilai kebaikan di sisi Allah.

Kamu pelan-pelan saja, ya, berjalan. Jangan lari, apalagi ngebut-ngebut.

You're not competing with others.

Ingat, semua ini hanya temporary. Nggak akan selamanya kamu berada dalam posisi ini.

Tetap berprasangka baik atas takdir-Nya, ya.

Tetap minta tolong dan libatkan Allah dalam setiap urusanmu.

Aku tahu, di usia kamu saat ini, kamu ingin karier yang cemerlang, gaji yang cukup tanpa harus babak belur kerja ke sana kemari, menikah dengan orang yang bisa membimbing kamu, mengimbangi kamu, dan saling support untuk mewujudkan mimpi masing-masing.

Tapi semua itu harus di-hold dulu untuk saat ini.

Mungkin Allah ingin memberikan kamu banyak kesempatan untuk mengenal diri sendiri, ngobrol sama diri sendiri, dan memberikan kamu lebih banyak waktu untuk membuat kenangan yang baik bersama kedua orang tua kamu; sesuatu yang selama ini hilang dari hidup kamu dan baru kali ini bisa kamu nikmati.

Mungkin ini adalah kesempatan untuk menikmati semua itu sebelum waktu akhirnya memisahkan.

Jadi, apa yang kamu cari, Hat?

Hat, lihat terus ke atas bikin kamu banyak kufur sama nikmat yang sudah Allah kasih.

Ingat, apa yang mereka tampilkan di media sosial itu pasti sebanding dengan apa yang harus mereka relakan, meski mereka nggak akan pernah mau show itu.

Selama kamu bernapas di dunia ini, masalah akan terus datang menghampiri dirimu. Dan kamu juga harus ingat bahwa Allah menciptakan dunia ini bukan untuk bersenang-senang, tetapi memang sebagai tempat untuk berjuang.

Apalagi bagi seorang yang beriman, hidup nggak akan pernah lepas dari yang namanya ujian.

Dan Allah juga nggak melihat hasil semata dari seorang hamba, tetapi juga usaha, kesungguhan, dan keimanannya atas takdir yang telah ditetapkan untuknya.

When your life feels hard, please go back to Allah, go back to yourself.

Hug yourself tightly, forgive yourself, and appreciate yourself.

Please don't be hard on yourself.

She is the only one who will always be there for you, no matter what happens in the future.

Janji, ya, nggak akan pernah keras lagi sama diri sendiri.

Janji, ya, nggak akan marah-marah lagi kalau diri sendiri sudah mulai capek, lemas, bahkan sakit.

Lepaskan hal-hal yang sulit untuk bisa kamu raih saat ini.

Kamu nggak perlu mengejar segitunya.

Relax and enjoy your moment now.

Pelan-pelan saja, Hat.

Kamu nggak sedang berlomba dengan siapa-siapa.

Kamu cuma lagi belajar aja gimana caranya bisa menjalani hidupmu sendiri tanpa harus lihat kiri-kanan sebagai pembanding. 

I know.

I'm so hard on myself.

I never give myself space to breathe for a while.

I always force myself to run like everyone else,

to achieve things that require so much effort.

You didn't just start from zero.

You started from minus.

Hey.

Stop being so hard and rude to yourself.

Not everything has to be carried by you.

You don't have to be strong all the time.

It's okay to feel weak.

Just allow yourself to have weaknesses.

You're not behind.

Maybe Allah is protecting you from something that might hurt you.

Just calm down, relax, and go with the flow.

You don't have to hurry.

You're not competing with anyone.

You're not even competing with your siblings.

I know you need someone to talk to, someone to accompany you and make you feel less alone.

But believe me, that person will come into your life.

Don't worry.

For now, just prepare yourself to become a better version of yourself.

Accept everything about yourself and learn to love yourself as well.

Throw away the mask.

You can't always pretend that you're okay.

You are allowed to be sad.

You are allowed to be angry.

You are allowed to be disappointed.

And that's okay.

That's normal.

One thing I want to remind you of is this:

Please stop comparing your life to the lives you see on other people's screens.

You never know what is happening behind those screens.

Love your life.

Embrace yourself.

And celebrate every small thing you manage to achieve.

I love you,

and I forgive you.

You're not alone.

You still have a lovely family who loves you endlessly.

Yes, you still have them.

They don't ask you to be perfect anymore.

They only want you to be happy and to see you smile.

So please, don't carry everything by yourself.

You don't have to carry it all alone.

Just let it go.

Let yourself be free.

And enjoy your life.

This week has taught me a lot about life.

First, I decided to return to school. It was unpredictable. As you know, my plan was to study English hard to get a higher score. But then, I realized something: I only truly understand after I teach or share with other people. That is my learning style: learning by teaching.

I know this is not easy. In the morning, I have to go to school, and in the evening, I teach at the English course. Sometimes this routine makes me tired. My parents spoke to me and asked how I felt. For the first time, I felt truly cared for. They asked me, "Are you tired? Do you feel forced because of our family's condition?" But my answer was no. I just want to do it and learn to face my own fears.

Second, I don’t know how to express this properly, but even though I am the newest teacher at school, I love the environment and the principal. Based on my observations over these past two weeks, she doesn't just look at the results—she really appreciates the process itself. She never lets me feel alone.

Third, I met my former colleague, and she shared her situation with me. It made me so angry! She was yelled at by a stakeholder in front of many people. It was crazy! Even though this person is the child of an ustadz, they showed no manners (adab) at all. She cried in front of me while telling the story. This made me realize that just because someone is the child of a religious leader, it doesn't mean they have good character. Never judge a book by its cover!

What relieved me was that she finally resigned from that school. I tried to remind her that all her feelings are valid. She doesn't have to force herself to forgive them right away. She should give herself space to feel and process her emotions.

Finally, I want to say Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah, and thank you to myself. Thank you for letting yourself experience a new atmosphere. Thank you for trusting Allah’s plan, asking for His help in every situation, and leaving the results to Him. Everything happens for a reason and by His permission.

Thank you for treating yourself gently. You don't have to force yourself to be perfect all the time. Allow yourself to make mistakes, because making mistakes is normal and helps you learn. Remember, nobody is perfect.

Embrace every single part of your life. You cannot control everything, only Allah can.

What kind of thoughts often hold you back?

Lately, the thoughts that hold me back are: "Am I capable of this? Can I handle it? What if I fail? What if this is the wrong choice for me?"

There are many good words for positive affirmation, but sometimes they don't work for me. I still doubt myself, and the fear of failure still haunts me.

But then, I remember something important: everything happens in this world by Allah’s permission. Your failures do not define who you are. They are only a part of your life. If you fail, at least you tried. You will not regret it because, in the end, you still learn a valuable lesson.

Remember, every new place has a different story for you. Not everything will end up like your past experience. Say Alhamdulillah because Allah allows you to be there. And if you fail, that is okay as long as you prepare well and give your best. Do not look for applause from people. Just seek His ridha, and your path will feel lighter.

Photo by juliane Monari

Today, I am officially 29. As I tiptoe closer to my thirties, I feel nervous, a little sad, but deeply proud of the person I’m becoming.

My twenties were full of fighting. but in this last stretch, I finally learned to accept, know, and love myself more. The biggest lesson? Accepting all my feelings, making peace with my depression, and stepping out of the race of comparison.

When depression first hit, I was so angry and in denial. But over time, I learned to embrace my condition gently and completely.

My biggest milestone this year isn't external, it’s forgiving those who hurt me in the past, and building a bridge of love and understanding with my parents. They are now my biggest support system.

Here’s to my last year in my twenties. May it bring peace, joy, a gentle heart... and maybe a true love and a very healthy bank account.

O Allah, thank you for guiding me to forgive, accept, and love my life. 

Thank you for always be there for me, through both my dark and my light eras. 

Please stay with me, and never let me walk alone without Your guidance. 

The last, happy birthday myself! 

Happy birthday to me!