Letters to Myself

I used to force myself to be full of energy every day. I tried to kill my laziness and low mood by pretending to be enthusiastic and cheerful. But in the end, that mask was slowly killing me. I used to pretend that everything was okay, suppressing my emotions and replacing them with a fake smile.

Eventually, I had to pay the price with a long, dark era. It was a time when all suppressed feelings suddenly knocked on my door loudly, demanding to be felt and embraced. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed back then. I cried a lot without even knowing the reason. But when I started writing down every feeling that came, I realized it had gone too far. I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Now, I am learning to accept and embrace every emotion. I don't run away from them. Even on days when I have low energy to teach my class, I still show up. I accept how I feel and teach my students as usual. I might not give them 100% of my usual energy, but at the end of the day, everything turns out fine.

Just because you are low on energy doesn't mean everything will be ruined. No, it won't. I am so grateful to work in a supportive place that understands this. They make me feel like a human, not a robot. I am allowed to feel sad, happy, disappointed, or just flat.

Real emotional maturity is how throuhgly you let yourself feel anything.*

And yes, I feel so light right now, not heavy like before. I am learning to enjoy my life with every emotion that comes. It is okay, and it is normal. Because after all, we are only human.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 39)

Photo by Büşranur

What makes you smile on any given day?

This question makes me think. And yes, the thing that makes me smile every single day is the sky. When I look up at the sky, I feel calm and happy. I love looking at the sky in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, or at night.

I love seeing the orange sky in the morning, the blue sky in the afternoon, the red sky in the evening, and the dark sky at night. Even when it is cloudy, I still love it. I love every season of the sky.

The sky teaches me that everything is temporary. The colors do not stay forever. The sky is always changing, just like our lives. Everything in your life will change. It is not permanent. So, enjoy your season. Don't rush. Everything has its own time. Like the colors of the sky, beautiful things will come at the right time.

Hallo readers! 

Selamat hari Senin. 

Selamat kembali bertugas! Semoga hari Senin ini membawa ketenangan untuk kita semua. :)

Di minggu lalu, aku harus kembali berhadapan dengan relapse yang datang tanpa mengetuk pintu. Tubuhku mendadak terasa remuk, kehilangan energi, bahkan untuk hal kecil sekalipun. Sepanjang hari, kapasitas terbaik yang bisa kulakukan hanyalah salat dan mengisi perut. Sisanya? Aku hanya bisa berdiam di atas kasur, memeluk sunyi, dan kehilangan hasrat untuk berinteraksi dengan dunia luar. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam fase relapse ini, aku bahkan tidak memiliki energi untuk sekadar mandi.

Pikiranku sempat kacau karena sebuah trigger. Namun, di tengah gemuruh itu, aku mencoba memeluk diriku sendiri dan berbisik, "Kondisimu saat ini sudah berbeda, Hat. Kamu tidak lagi berada di ruang kelam masa lalu yang menakutkan itu. Kamu sudah berada di tempat yang baru, tempat yang lebih aman."

Dua hari izin tidak bekerja sempat membuat hatiku diselimuti rasa bersalah. Aku sempat berpikir, setelah perlahan menemukan kembali spark atau percikan semangat hidup beberapa waktu lalu, aku sudah sembuh seutuhnya. Ternyata, proses pemulihan tidak pernah berjalan di garis lurus. Aku masih bisa terluka oleh trigger, dan aku masih bisa terjatuh kembali.

Kini, aku memilih berjalan pelan sambil menurunkan semua ekspektasi. Untuk saat ini, bertahan dan belajar mendengarkan apa yang sebetulnya dibutuhkan oleh tubuh di tengah bisingnya isi kepala adalah sebuah kemenangan besar. Aku belajar menghargai diri sendiri di tengah segala keterbatasan kognitifku. Salah satu hal yang sempat membuatku sedih adalah menyadari bahwa ingatanku tak sekuat dulu. Efek samping pengobatan depresi ini membuat memori tentang apa yang baru saja kulakukan terasa samar dan mudah terlupa. Tapi tidak apa-apa, mungkin ini cara otakku beristirahat dari masa lalu.

Aku sadar, aku tak perlu terburu-buru berlari keluar dari lingkaran ini. Bertumbuh sedikit demi sedikit tanpa tuntutan untuk sempurna adalah bentuk rasa syukur terbaikku hari ini.

Dear myself, 

Thank you for surviving. 

Thank you for choosing to keep showing up. 

I know this season is heavy, but I believe I will pass through it. Appreciate the small steps, and embrace every feeling that comes into your life. I love you, and I accept every season of my life.

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them?*

There was a time when I truly believed I would never see the light again. My darkness era felt like a permanent sentence. It was a season of crying without reasons, of feeling entirely numb, and watching the world lose all its meaning.

I thought my life was ruined. But looking back today, I realize that the greatest miracle wasn't that the darkness suddenly disappeared. It was that I chose to keep moving through it anyway.

Slowly, piece by piece, life is reclaiming its color. I am finding my light again. If you are currently in your own dark tunnel, please remember: it is okay if you can only see an inch in front of you. Just keep walking. Everything is temporary, and one day, you will look back and thank yourself for holding on.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)