Letters to Myself

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?*

I would do everything I want without fear of judgment. So often, we hesitate to take a step forward because we aren't ready for people’s reactions, comments, or criticism.

But if we really think about it: why should we let their opinions hold us back? Why don't we trust ourselves more? It is hard, but if you want to grow, you have to move forward and learn to tune out the noise. Let them speak; let them keep their perspectives. This is your life, and nobody gets to dictate how you live it. You are independent, and you hold the pen to your own story.

Yet, the hardest judgments often come from the people closest to us. Sometimes their criticism stems from worry, or simply from seeing things differently. And that's okay. But at the end of the day, the ultimate decision-maker for your life is still you.

I hope you learn to trust and listen to your inner voice above all others.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

Living back with my parents after spending three years away in Bandung opened my eyes to a quiet reality: their struggles are real, yet they always choose to hide them from their children.

A year ago, I moved back to my hometown after realizing my mental health was deteriorating, leading to a diagnosis of a depressive episode. Throughout this past year at home, I often felt helpless, as if I couldn't contribute much because I was still fighting my own inner battles every single day.

But lately, I’ve been thinking deeply. I know my trauma lingers, it was born in my past, yet its shadows still haunt me even when I step into new spaces. Still, I ask myself: how long will I let my fear win? How long will I allow my past to hold me back while I truly want to stand up and support my parents financially?

So, what should I do next? Is it time to try again: to face my trauma, anchor it firmly in the past, and remind myself that this place is new? The environment, the atmosphere, the people, and the chapters ahead are all fresh. Maybe it’s time to let the newness finally begin.

I used to force myself to be full of energy every day. I tried to kill my laziness and low mood by pretending to be enthusiastic and cheerful. But in the end, that mask was slowly killing me. I used to pretend that everything was okay, suppressing my emotions and replacing them with a fake smile.

Eventually, I had to pay the price with a long, dark era. It was a time when all suppressed feelings suddenly knocked on my door loudly, demanding to be felt and embraced. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed back then. I cried a lot without even knowing the reason. But when I started writing down every feeling that came, I realized it had gone too far. I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Now, I am learning to accept and embrace every emotion. I don't run away from them. Even on days when I have low energy to teach my class, I still show up. I accept how I feel and teach my students as usual. I might not give them 100% of my usual energy, but at the end of the day, everything turns out fine.

Just because you are low on energy doesn't mean everything will be ruined. No, it won't. I am so grateful to work in a supportive place that understands this. They make me feel like a human, not a robot. I am allowed to feel sad, happy, disappointed, or just flat.

Real emotional maturity is how throuhgly you let yourself feel anything.*

And yes, I feel so light right now, not heavy like before. I am learning to enjoy my life with every emotion that comes. It is okay, and it is normal. Because after all, we are only human.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 39)

Photo by Büşranur

What makes you smile on any given day?

This question makes me think. And yes, the thing that makes me smile every single day is the sky. When I look up at the sky, I feel calm and happy. I love looking at the sky in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, or at night.

I love seeing the orange sky in the morning, the blue sky in the afternoon, the red sky in the evening, and the dark sky at night. Even when it is cloudy, I still love it. I love every season of the sky.

The sky teaches me that everything is temporary. The colors do not stay forever. The sky is always changing, just like our lives. Everything in your life will change. It is not permanent. So, enjoy your season. Don't rush. Everything has its own time. Like the colors of the sky, beautiful things will come at the right time.

Hallo readers! 

Selamat hari Senin. 

Selamat kembali bertugas! Semoga hari Senin ini membawa ketenangan untuk kita semua. :)

Di minggu lalu, aku harus kembali berhadapan dengan relapse yang datang tanpa mengetuk pintu. Tubuhku mendadak terasa remuk, kehilangan energi, bahkan untuk hal kecil sekalipun. Sepanjang hari, kapasitas terbaik yang bisa kulakukan hanyalah salat dan mengisi perut. Sisanya? Aku hanya bisa berdiam di atas kasur, memeluk sunyi, dan kehilangan hasrat untuk berinteraksi dengan dunia luar. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam fase relapse ini, aku bahkan tidak memiliki energi untuk sekadar mandi.

Pikiranku sempat kacau karena sebuah trigger. Namun, di tengah gemuruh itu, aku mencoba memeluk diriku sendiri dan berbisik, "Kondisimu saat ini sudah berbeda, Hat. Kamu tidak lagi berada di ruang kelam masa lalu yang menakutkan itu. Kamu sudah berada di tempat yang baru, tempat yang lebih aman."

Dua hari izin tidak bekerja sempat membuat hatiku diselimuti rasa bersalah. Aku sempat berpikir, setelah perlahan menemukan kembali spark atau percikan semangat hidup beberapa waktu lalu, aku sudah sembuh seutuhnya. Ternyata, proses pemulihan tidak pernah berjalan di garis lurus. Aku masih bisa terluka oleh trigger, dan aku masih bisa terjatuh kembali.

Kini, aku memilih berjalan pelan sambil menurunkan semua ekspektasi. Untuk saat ini, bertahan dan belajar mendengarkan apa yang sebetulnya dibutuhkan oleh tubuh di tengah bisingnya isi kepala adalah sebuah kemenangan besar. Aku belajar menghargai diri sendiri di tengah segala keterbatasan kognitifku. Salah satu hal yang sempat membuatku sedih adalah menyadari bahwa ingatanku tak sekuat dulu. Efek samping pengobatan depresi ini membuat memori tentang apa yang baru saja kulakukan terasa samar dan mudah terlupa. Tapi tidak apa-apa, mungkin ini cara otakku beristirahat dari masa lalu.

Aku sadar, aku tak perlu terburu-buru berlari keluar dari lingkaran ini. Bertumbuh sedikit demi sedikit tanpa tuntutan untuk sempurna adalah bentuk rasa syukur terbaikku hari ini.

Dear myself, 

Thank you for surviving. 

Thank you for choosing to keep showing up. 

I know this season is heavy, but I believe I will pass through it. Appreciate the small steps, and embrace every feeling that comes into your life. I love you, and I accept every season of my life.