Letters to Myself

Hi!

How's your week?

Well, I'm so grateful for this week because...

First, I’m grateful that I can finally listen to myself and follow my intuition. And... boom! Something bigger has come into my life again. Ya Rabb, thank you for allowing me to listen to myself and follow what I feel in my heart. Sometimes, I don't understand why You lead me through certain paths, but I believe there is always wisdom behind them.

Second, I’m so grateful that my family fully supports me in getting treatment and taking my medication. I know this is not easy for me, and I know it isn’t easy for them either. I know how heartbroken they are to hear this news. But despite all the fear and uncertainty, they are still here for me. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

Third, I’m grateful for my supportive friends. When I thought that everyone hated me, His Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim showed me that there are still people who are kind and gentle with me. Sometimes, my thoughts tell me that I am unwanted, but Allah keeps reminding me through the people around me that I am not alone.

But there is also a challenge that I have to face.

I received a new diagnosis: bipolar disorder.

And then... how is my life supposed to be?

Of course, I feel broken. I feel like my life has been ruined, and I have no idea how to deal with this. Now, I have to take my medication again. It feels like I’m going back to the beginning. But I’m still trying to understand everything. Is it really bipolar disorder? Is this truly what is happening to me?

That's why, tomorrow, inshaAllah, I’m going to see another psychologist. I want to fight for myself. I want to understand myself better. I want to heal. And I want to find my way back to a life where I can live, work, love, worship, and grow without constantly feeling afraid of what is happening inside me.

Recently, I’ve been very sensitive. I get irritated by small things, and sometimes I have thoughts that everyone around me hates me or looks at me as if there is something disgusting about me. I know these thoughts can feel very real when they come, but I’m trying to learn not to believe every thought that crosses my mind.

Today, I had a discussion with my new community. We talked about James 3 from the Bible, and one verse really caught my attention:

“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.” James 3:14

I reflected on my last conversation with Cici. She asked me some questions, and somehow, I realized something about myself. I could summarize it like this: many of the things I have been chasing lately are connected to worldly things: appreciation from people, recognition, and acceptance from society.

OMG. I knew it.

I was wrong.

Then I remembered this verse from the Qur’an:

“Have you seen he who has taken as his god his own desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah? Then will you not be reminded?”

And:

“And they say, ‘There is not but our worldly life; we die and live, and nothing destroys us except time.’ And they have of that no knowledge; they are only assuming.” QS. Al-Jathiyah 45:23–24

Oh Allah, I’m sorry that I have misplaced my intentions.

I still chase worldly things, even though I know that this life is temporary and that there is an akhirah waiting for me.

But I don't think this means I have to ignore my life in this dunya. No. I still want to work. I still want to learn. I still have dreams. I still want to build something meaningful with my life.

But maybe I need to learn my limits.

I need to know how much I can carry. I need to understand my capacity. I need to remember that I don't have to sacrifice my body, my emotions, my mental health, my salah, and my relationship with Allah just to achieve something temporary.

I don't want to gain the dunya while losing myself along the way.

Maybe this is one of the lessons Allah is teaching me now: that success is not only about how much I achieve, how much people appreciate me, or how accepted I am by society. Sometimes, success is simply knowing when to stop, when to rest, when to ask for help, and when to return to Allah.

I know this week has been incredibly hard for me.

But I believe Allah is giving me another chance, not only to know myself better, but also to know Him better.

Maybe this is not the end of my story.

Maybe this is another chapter where Allah is teaching me how to slow down, surrender, heal, and come back to Him.

Allah, please embrace me with Your mercy and Your rahmah. Do not abandon me in this winding labyrinth. When I cannot see the way, please show me Your light. When my heart feels heavy, pour Your love and mercy over it.

Teach me to live this dunya without becoming a slave to it.

Teach me to pursue my dreams without forgetting You.

Teach me to take care of this body and mind that You have entrusted to me.

And when I lose my way again, Ya Allah, gently lead me back to You.

Amiin.

And I'm not my diagnosis itself.

doc. pribadi

Hi, how's your day?

After I felt like something was wrong with me, I went to the hospital the next day to see a psychologist. I asked my principal for permission to take the day off, saying that I was sick. At that time, I was just really, really looking for help.

Before that, I couldn't sleep at night anymore. I was awake until the adzan shubuh. Usually, after praying Fajr, I would feel sleepy. I think most people would feel sleepy after staying awake all night. But for me, nope. I didn't feel sleepy at all. Is that something wrong with me?

Then, I met the psychologist.

I told her that I had been diagnosed with a severe depressive episode with psychotic symptoms. I had stopped my treatment because I thought I was fine and completely healed. But then, the things that had once become familiar to me started coming back again for about three weeks.

The first thing she told me was that I had to continue my treatment and never stop taking my medication unless my psychiatrist told me to.

Then, she explained that before reaching severe depression, depression can develop through three levels: mild, moderate, and severe.

First, mild depression.

Second, moderate depression.

Third, severe depression.

And I said, "Yes, I've been through all of them."

My mild depression was in 2023, when the school psychologist noticed that I was starting to show signs of depression. But at that time, I was in denial and didn't believe what she said.

My moderate depression was in 2024, when I couldn't sleep well for three months, cried almost every night without knowing why, and constantly blamed myself. At that time, I also had thoughts of hurting myself.

Then came severe depression in 2025. It started with three months of poor sleep. I hurt myself by repeatedly slapping my face, and I carried scissors with me almost everywhere, even when I went to sleep. Then, I started hearing a voice telling me to die. It felt completely real. I still remember what it sounded like. I was so afraid of it that I finally realized I needed professional treatment.

And you know what? During these past three weeks, I noticed something different about myself.

For one week, I was extremely unmotivated and didn't want to do anything. But the following week, I suddenly became very energetic. I was highly focused on the things I wanted to do, and I could finish them faster than usual. I thought I was finally completely fine.

But the people around me noticed the changes too.

My mood and energy seemed to be changing so quickly, and it didn't feel normal.

So, what did my psychologist say about it?

She said that it could be bipolar disorder. 

My psychologist said that my recent changes in mood and energy could be related to bipolar disorder, so she referred me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation.

I was shocked. At that moment, I felt broken.

But my psychologist told me, "You're not different."

After that, I had a therapy session where I talked to someone who had hurt me. We used a technique called the empty-chair technique. It was difficult, but it also gave me a chance to express things that I had kept inside for a long time.

And today, I received my referral letter so I can continue my treatment with a new psychiatrist.

Let's see what the diagnosis will be.

I have to prepare myself for whatever the result may be.

Even though I know I'm not okay right now, I have to face my condition and deal with it.

And yeah, it's hard.

Really hard.

But at least this time, I'm choosing to ask for help instead of pretending that everything is fine.

Please pray for me. 

Hi everyone. How's your week? I hope this week is good for you.

What about me? How's my week?

Mm, I don't have any special things for this week. Everything just went on as usual.

But there are some things that I'm grateful for.

I'm so grateful for my parents' presence. They're never tired or bored of listening to my stories. And I know that I couldn't keep everything to myself. I have to tell people close to me because I don't want to be like what I used to be. When I kept everything to myself and pretended to be okay in front of people. I just wanna be honest with myself and others too, especially with my family and my best friends.

And yeah, I'm so grateful for myself too. I wanna say thank you for being brave enough to show and express your feelings. Get rid of their opinions about me. I don't care. As long as I trust them and they are trustworthy, I'll share it.

But there are challenges for me this week.

For almost two weeks, I don't know why I feel like I'm coming back to my old self. The habits when I feel a stomachache in the morning, the feeling that I don't wanna get up from my bed in the morning. I don't wanna go to school anymore. The feeling of being heavy with this routine. Like, wow, this is coming back again. I thought it wouldn't, but then I still have the same feeling even though this is the third place for me.

Sometimes I'm wondering, is it a good choice for me? Why are these signs coming back again? Or, I think being a teacher in a formal school is not for me?

Let's try to be honest with yourself.

Yep, I really hate school administration, the routine when your job is not only teaching but there are many things you have to do, and you know? The salary isn't enough for you. Let's see, as we know, being a teacher in Indonesia is very, very bad. I think it's the same when you teach in a private school or maybe in a public school but you're still "honorer." Sometimes the foundation asks you for more, but then they forget how to prosper us. I'm so fed up with the words, "Kerja harus ikhlas, jangan hitungan." Hey, this is talking about a job, not "beramal." Don't hide behind sincere words.

Can you really pay for food with sincerity? No. Can you really pay for drinks, clothes, makeup, internet quota, and transportation with sincerity? LOL.

Sometimes, I ask myself again. Do you truly wanna be a teacher? But why is it so hard for me? I love teaching my students in the class, but I hate the other tasks behind it. And also the salary, plus the salary is late. It feels like double kill. Wkwkkwk.

I really enjoy teaching in the course. The task is clear, and as a teacher, we just focus on teaching, giving students feedback and assessment. That's it.

And the last thing that myself is also echoing is about writing. Like, please keep writing rather than going to school. OMG. I don't know why.

Sometimes I thought, from the previous place, you've got the explosion. Maybe that session gave you a sign that you have to find a different galaxy. But then, when I try to only move to a different place which is still in the same galaxy, my body feels like it's against me. It's like they're saying, "This is not what you really want. Why don't you stop enduring even in a different place but in the same galaxy, where you're still facing the same problems you've had?"

Arghh. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.

doc. pribadi

Identitas Buku

Judul : Becoming a Universe

Penulis : Rara Noormega

Tahun Terbit : 2026

Halaman : 186 hlm

Penerbit : Gramedia Pustaka Utama, Jakarta

Blurb

When something comes to an end, it's a sign of a new beginning.  

When there's an explosion, there will always be an expansion. 

And you, my dear, were made of this earth. You are the cycle of the earth. You are a part of this universe. So, when you break and feel like you're dying inside, it's your explosion, and with it comes a rebirth. The beginning of the new.

But, before you rise from the ashes, you must be in pain. Your explosion must hurt, and it requires you to break apart. Your explosion won't be easy at all. You will need so much love and kindness along the way, so you won't collapse. You will nedd reminders to hold on, especially when you're about to give up.

And so, this book is a hand to hold. A firm wall to learn on when the heartbreak feels too much. A shoulder to cry on when starting over feels almost impossible. A sibling who wipes your tears. A good friend who teels you honest and kind truths about yourself.

This book is an endless love letter, reminding you that this is not your end. This book finds you so you can recreate yourself and be born anew. May your rebirth be the most beautiful Bing Bang ever taken form.

Tiga Insight Utama

doc. pribadi

Identitas Buku

Judul : Aku Yang Menjadi Segalanya, Kecuali Diri Sendiri
Penulis : Arkanaday
Tahun Terbit : Cetakan kedua, 2026
Halaman : 148 hlm
Penerbit : Mediakita, Jakarta Selatan

Blurb

Buku ini ada untuk memeluk anak pertama yang lelahnya sering dianggap biasa, yang melakoni berbagai peran meski bukan tanggung jawabnya, yang diam-diam menunda mimpi demi kebahagiaan keluarga. 

Maaf karena kamu harus dewasa sebelum waktunya.

Satu yang perlu kamu ingat, menjadi segalanya seharusnya tidak membuatmu kehilangan diri sendiri.

Tiga Insight

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