There is a question that often lingers in the quite corners of my mind: What mistakes or shortcomings still haunt me with guilt? However, this is not merely about my flaws or past errors. Rather, it is a reflection on a deeper struggle, one that has shaped my understanding of faith, doubt, and surrender.
I have walked through that darkness. There were moments, some still present now, when I contemplated leaving Islam altogether. When I lost faith in myself, in my life, and eventually in my belief, I found myself thinking: Should I seek another God?
Yet, something pulled me back. I forced myself reopen the Qur'an. I watched countless videos about Islam, particulary about Qada and Qadar. And in those moment, I wept.
The root of my despair lay in my struggle with Qadar. I wanted to control of my life, to shape it according to my own desires. Whenever things unfolded differently from what I had planned, disappoitment consumed me. I blamed myself, convinced that I had failed beyond repair.
But slowly, I began to learn something profound: to surrender it all back to Allah. I started seeking His light, believing that only He can guide me out of the darkness and lead me back to the right path.
Ya Hadi, guide me when my heart forgets the way. Pull me back from every turn that leads me astray. Let your guidance feel closer than the doubts in my chest and steadier than the voices that confuse me.
Ya Rasyid, teach me to see the truth instinctively. Make faith beloved to me. make righteousness feel natural. And let sin feel heavy on my chest and hated by my every breath. Inspire me with wisdom that protects me even from myself.
Ya Nur, light every darkness I carried or caryy within. Let your light pour into my heart and onto all my other limbs. Until you make me a light and everything I see reminds me of you.
Ya Mubin, make your signs clear in what surrounds me and what is within me. Reveal the lessons hidden in every trial. Let me never lose sight of your signs again. (When You're Searching For Meaning, The Name I need Ep. 3, Dr Omar Suleiman)
