Letters to Myself

 The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.

The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.*

I found this quote in a book I read, and it made me stop and think. Is this really true? When I see someone's behavior, do I love it because I also value it in myself?

I think the answer is yes. For example, I really appreciate people who are good listeners. I love this quality because I always try to listen to others carefully without interrupting or judging their stories. I value that trait in myself, so I admire it in others too.

However, the second part of the quote is harder to accept. When I dislike something in another person, it often acts like a mirror. Sometimes, I hate a specific attitude in others because I secretly have it in myself, but I refuse to admit it. Other times, I dislike it because it reminds me of a weakness I am trying hard to fix.

People are like mirrors for our own hearts. They help us see what we love about ourselves and what we still need to heal.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 16)

I used to think that I had to be happy every day. I believed that feeling happy meant winning at life. So back then, I suppressed my feelings and ignored every emotion that came. But keeping them inside was like holding a bomb, and finally, it exploded.

My psychiatrist told me that one of the reasons for my depression was my habit of harboring my feelings. I never expressed my pain and never talked about it. I just held everything by myself.

But then, I realized something important. Feeling sad, angry, or disappointed is completely normal. These feelings are part of life, and what you feel at a difficult time does not define who you are. Emotions are like seasons. They come and go. They are temporary, not permanent.

Did Allah promise that we have to live with happiness all the time? No, He did not.

In fact, Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155):

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient."

Even the prophets felt sad and faced heavy trials in their lives. Sadness is not a sign of weak faith; it is just a natural part of being human. Allah also reminds us in Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5–6) that hardship and ease always come together: "For indeed, with hardship comes ease."

So please, embrace every feeling that comes. Every emotion is normal, and it is part of life. Healing is not about being happy every day. It is about giving yourself permission to feel, knowing that Allah is always with you through every season.

Healing is really just letting yourself feel every feeling is worthwhile.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 41)

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?*

I would do everything I want without fear of judgment. So often, we hesitate to take a step forward because we aren't ready for people’s reactions, comments, or criticism.

But if we really think about it: why should we let their opinions hold us back? Why don't we trust ourselves more? It is hard, but if you want to grow, you have to move forward and learn to tune out the noise. Let them speak; let them keep their perspectives. This is your life, and nobody gets to dictate how you live it. You are independent, and you hold the pen to your own story.

Yet, the hardest judgments often come from the people closest to us. Sometimes their criticism stems from worry, or simply from seeing things differently. And that's okay. But at the end of the day, the ultimate decision-maker for your life is still you.

I hope you learn to trust and listen to your inner voice above all others.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

Living back with my parents after spending three years away in Bandung opened my eyes to a quiet reality: their struggles are real, yet they always choose to hide them from their children.

A year ago, I moved back to my hometown after realizing my mental health was deteriorating, leading to a diagnosis of a depressive episode. Throughout this past year at home, I often felt helpless, as if I couldn't contribute much because I was still fighting my own inner battles every single day.

But lately, I’ve been thinking deeply. I know my trauma lingers, it was born in my past, yet its shadows still haunt me even when I step into new spaces. Still, I ask myself: how long will I let my fear win? How long will I allow my past to hold me back while I truly want to stand up and support my parents financially?

So, what should I do next? Is it time to try again: to face my trauma, anchor it firmly in the past, and remind myself that this place is new? The environment, the atmosphere, the people, and the chapters ahead are all fresh. Maybe it’s time to let the newness finally begin.

I used to force myself to be full of energy every day. I tried to kill my laziness and low mood by pretending to be enthusiastic and cheerful. But in the end, that mask was slowly killing me. I used to pretend that everything was okay, suppressing my emotions and replacing them with a fake smile.

Eventually, I had to pay the price with a long, dark era. It was a time when all suppressed feelings suddenly knocked on my door loudly, demanding to be felt and embraced. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed back then. I cried a lot without even knowing the reason. But when I started writing down every feeling that came, I realized it had gone too far. I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Now, I am learning to accept and embrace every emotion. I don't run away from them. Even on days when I have low energy to teach my class, I still show up. I accept how I feel and teach my students as usual. I might not give them 100% of my usual energy, but at the end of the day, everything turns out fine.

Just because you are low on energy doesn't mean everything will be ruined. No, it won't. I am so grateful to work in a supportive place that understands this. They make me feel like a human, not a robot. I am allowed to feel sad, happy, disappointed, or just flat.

Real emotional maturity is how throuhgly you let yourself feel anything.*

And yes, I feel so light right now, not heavy like before. I am learning to enjoy my life with every emotion that comes. It is okay, and it is normal. Because after all, we are only human.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 39)

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them?*

There was a time when I truly believed I would never see the light again. My darkness era felt like a permanent sentence. It was a season of crying without reasons, of feeling entirely numb, and watching the world lose all its meaning.

I thought my life was ruined. But looking back today, I realize that the greatest miracle wasn't that the darkness suddenly disappeared. It was that I chose to keep moving through it anyway.

Slowly, piece by piece, life is reclaiming its color. I am finding my light again. If you are currently in your own dark tunnel, please remember: it is okay if you can only see an inch in front of you. Just keep walking. Everything is temporary, and one day, you will look back and thank yourself for holding on.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

What are your greatest accomplishment so far?*

My greatest accomplishment isn't something the world can see or measure. It is the fact that I am finally learning to listen to what my soul is truly saying. For a long time, I was terrified of choosing my own peace. I worried that stepping back made me selfish, but the truth was simpler: my mind and body desperately needed a rest from this loud, busy world.

Today, I am still practicing the art of listening to myself. Understanding what she needs and what she doesn't. Whenever the noise of sudden desires forces me to rush, I pause and ask my heart: “Is this a genuine need, or is it just my nafs?” I know this journey isn't easy, but I am deeply proud of how far I’ve come. Because finally, I am brave enough to choose my well-being over everything else.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

I feel like I'm at a point where I don't really know myself, my desires, or my future anymore. Everything feels blurred and mixed together. There are things I desperately want, but I’m terrified of being disappointed again. I am afraid that chasing my dreams might drag me back into that same darkness era I fought so hard to escape.

But at the same time, I know I cannot just stay in my comfort zone. A safe space can be deceptive; it makes me complacent and tricks me into forgetting my dreams, making it feel like everything is already done and there is nothing left to chase.

So here I am, still questioning my life and doubting my choices. Is it wrong? Is it right? I don't always know. But in the midst of the confusion, I have to keep anchoring myself. I have to remind my heavy heart that as long as I am walking on Allah's path, everything will eventually be okay.

You question yourself.

You doubt your life.

You feel miserable some days.

This means you're still open to growth.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 45)

Yesterday, right after I got home, a friend texted me out of the blue and asked me to join our school reunion. Without thinking twice, I agreed, got ready, and headed straight to her house so we could go together. Before we left, my mom mentioned that I might run into an old friend from senior high school. He is currently teaching at my old junior high, and my mom still remembers him fondly—he was the only boy who came to visit my father when he was in the hospital.

When we arrived, I didn't even notice him until he approached me first! His eyes lit up with genuine joy when he saw me. It has been almost 8 or 9 years since we last crossed paths. He smiled and greeted me enthusiastically, and we caught up for a moment. He asked what I was up to these days, and I told him that I teach English. Shortly after, I excused myself to go greet some other friends.

I don't know why, but his smile left me feeling so calm. I still remember how back in high school, we used to argue about absolutely everything; he was stubborn, but he was also a great leader. Yet, right beside him, I always felt like I could be completely myself. I don't know his current relationship status, but as far as I know, he hasn't married yet.

Am I falling in love? Is it love at first sight? Wait... after everything I’ve been through in my darkness era, am I really allowed to feel this again? Why does meeting him make me this happy?

My mind is spinning, and I don't fully understand what I'm feeling just yet. But I’ve decided to let it be. If we are destined to be in each other's lives, the universe will always find a way to bring us back together.

What is the most important things that must happen today?*

The most important thing is that I can teach my class about "family" well. To be honest, I am very nervous today. Sometimes I still get confused between cousin, nephew, and niece. I feel scared because I am not teaching children today; I am teaching teachers from another school.

But I believe that if I study hard, I can do it well. Teachers are human too. We are not always perfect or clever. Teachers can feel nervous, overthink, and make mistakes sometimes. However, we must face every problem. We can only control our preparation, and the rest is out of our control. Keep it up! You can do it!

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 138)

Aku sedih, aku kecewa, aku marah, dan juga kesal. Sesuatu yang sangat ingin aku dapatkan, ternyata belum bisa diwujudkan saat ini. Aku terpaksa harus mengalah pada keadaan. Aku tahu, melangkah nekat pun belum tentu menjadi jalan terbaik, karena kondisi mentalku belum benar-benar dinyatakan pulih sepenuhnya oleh psikiater—meski terkadang ego di kepalaku merasa bahwa aku baik-baik saja.

Beberapa teman di tempat kerja mulai menyadari perubahanku. Sikapku kini lebih banyak diam. Terkadang, aku memilih untuk melipat tangan dan tidur sejenak di atas meja kerja, sekadar mengistirahatkan pikiran sembari menunggu jadwal kelas berikutnya. Aku pun merasakannya; ada bagian dari diriku yang berubah sejak depresi itu bertamu ke hidupku. Aku tidak lagi seberisik dulu. Kini, aku lebih nyaman diam dan mendengarkan ketimbang mengobrol ramai ke sana kemari. Energi mental yang kupunya terlalu berharga untuk dihabiskan tanpa arti.

Di tengah kesunyian ini, riuh kecemasan tentang masa depan kerap datang mengetuk. Namun, aku segera tersadar: siapakah aku? Aku hanyalah manusia yang hanya mampu menyusun rencana di atas kertas, sementara Allah adalah Sang Maha Pembuat Skenario, penentu mutlak yang memegang kendali atas setiap ketukan takdir. Lantas, kenapa aku harus merisaukan hari esok secara berlebihan?

Keinginan yang harus tertunda hari ini bisa jadi adalah cara lembut Allah untuk menyelamatkanku dari jurang-jurang tak terlihat, yang mungkin saja menyeretku kembali ke lembah gelap yang mengerikan. Allah begitu menyayangiku. Pintu itu ditutup rapat agar aku berbelok arah, mencari pintu-pintu lain yang lebih aman, tanpa harus memaksa mentalku hancur dan jatuh ke lubang luka yang sama.

Walau hati kecil terkadang goyah dan tergiur oleh nominal angka, aku mengingatkan diriku lagi: jika kupaksakan, prosesnya akan jauh lebih menyakitkan. Aku bisa saja terhempas lebih keras hingga sulit untuk kembali ke titik normal. Tidak apa-apa jika dunia melihatku terlambat. Bisa jadi, keterlambatan yang selama ini kutangisi justru adalah pelindung yang sedang menuntunku pada peluang-peluang baru yang jauh lebih indah.

Menangis dan bersedihlah jika hari ini terasa berat, tapi jangan pernah putus asa. Tertutupnya satu pintu hanyalah tanda bahwa perjalananmu belum selesai; kamu hanya diminta untuk mencari dan mengetuk pintu-pintu lain. Tenanglah, Allah menjagamu dengan teramat sangat. Ingat itu selalu.

Sudah direncanakan, sudah diusahakan dengan seluruh tenaga, tapi kalau takdirnya belum tiba, selalu saja ada jalan penghalang yang menghentikan langkah. Namun, di sinilah aku belajar: tertutupnya satu pintu bukan aba-aba untuk menyerah pada keadaan. Aku menolak untuk berhenti mengetuk pintu lain hanya karena satu ruang telah mengunci harapanku.

Tidak, aku tidak ingin menyerah. Aku memilih percaya bahwa pintu yang tertutup itu adalah cara Allah menyelamatkanku agar tidak kembali jatuh ke lubang luka yang sama. Mungkin itu cara-Nya membelokkan jalanku menuju pintu-pintu lain yang jauh lebih lapang, yang perlahan akan mengantarkanku pada mimpi-mimpiku yang sebenarnya.

Hari ini, aku mencoba menarik napas dalam-dalam, menikmati rezeki yang sudah Allah beri dengan penuh syukur. Walau jujur, di sudut hati yang paling sunyi, kadang terselip rasa sesak—perasaan takut tertinggal karena di usia ini rasanya aku belum memiliki apa-apa dibandingkan orang lain. Namun, aku mengingatkan diriku lagi, bahwa "memiliki" tidak selalu tentang pencapaian materi yang terlihat. Mungkin, apa yang aku miliki hari ini adalah ketabahan, napas yang masih bertahan, dan hati yang terus belajar menyembuhkan diri. Dan itu lebih dari cukup.

I know I still face many struggles since depression entered my life. It is so hard for me to wake up early, or even to stay awake after the Shubuh prayer. I usually prefer to go back to sleep. I don't know why, but I just feel so exhausted and sleepy all day long.

Yesterday, as usual, I taught my teenage student. She was beaming with happiness because she was finally accepted into Sekolah Maung in my city. She told me that all her hard work had finally paid off. Before class began, she shared her story: how she did everything she could to make her dream come true. She studied, she prayed, she woke up for Tahajjud, and she even made a promise to complete her Quran recitation if she got in.

Listening to her made me think about my own dream of studying abroad. Have I given enough effort to reach it? Why do I feel too tired to pursue it lately? Things like practicing for the IELTS, exercising in the morning, or researching information feel so heavy. With only one year left for preparation, a year feels so short, and I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I don't know why.

I keep wondering: is this my depression speaking, or am I just being lazy? But when I look back at my past, whenever I wanted to achieve something, I would give it my all. So I think the truth is simply that I am deeply, completely exhausted. That is why my body and mind need much more rest than usual right now.

Hi Ihat, Don’t rush. Take your time. Take all the time you need with yourself so you can truly hear what your soul wants. Keep going. It is completely okay to take small steps. That’s okay. I am so proud of you.

I don’t know why, but I feel like something is completely messed up. My mind, my mood, and everything. I have a one-week holiday for Eid al-Adha, but instead of resting, I feel this heavy weight. It’s as if I have so much to say, yet I can’t find the words for it. I long for a friend, someone to dive into a deep conversation with, but there is no one around. Whenever this season of emptiness comes, I find myself drowning in self-blame, simply because I don’t know how to fix it. So, instead of desperately searching for answers, I just sit here and let myself feel the discomfort.

When night falls, closing my eyes feels like an impossible task. My mind speaks so loudly, replaying everything on a loop, and I can't find the switch to turn it off. So, I just stare at the ceiling until midnight catches up with me and sleep finally takes over.

Consequently, I’ve been waking up late. For the past two days, I’ve overslept and almost missed my Fajr prayer. I look at myself and wonder what is happening. But I know the pattern: whenever I have nothing to do—when the days stretch out for more than three days, the depression easily creeps back in, taking full mastery over my body and my mind.

I can't quite pinpoint what this is. I just need to write and share. For me, writing has always been the purest way to talk to myself without interruption. Here, I can bleed every thought onto the page without the hesitation or fear of being judged. In this space, I genuinely don’t care.

Deep down, I know I need someone to talk to. I know I need him. But he couldn't promise a forever, so I chose to walk away. And now, I am holding the weight of everything entirely alone. AGAIN.

Hey, you. I MISS YOU. I miss the times when we used to talk and share our days.

But wait... do I really miss you? Or do I just miss the routine? I think I just miss the routine that I’ve probably romanticized in my head. Hahaha.

The truth is, I’m just so tired of falling in love again. Tired of the vulnerability it takes to get comfortable with someone. I am exhausted, and honestly, I’ve forgotten how to open my heart after being lonely for so long since the breakup.

And on top of that, I carry this depression. So... would you still want to stay by my side?

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?

When I was first diagnosed with a depressive episode with psychotic features, I kept it entirely to myself. I felt so embarrassed by my condition, fearing that if people found out, they would judge me, ignore me, and stay away. But the longer I kept it bottled up and refused to communicate, the more I noticed that people couldn't truly understand or respect my boundaries. I realized I had become incredibly sensitive to everything.

After two months of carrying this heavy secret, I gave up trying to hide it. For the first time, I chose to open up about my condition to my supervisor. Surprisingly, he was incredibly supportive and offered me exactly the flexibility and help I needed. In that moment, I felt a wave of relief, like the universe finally understood me.

Three months into my treatment, I took an even bigger step and decided to share my journey on social media. And boom! The response was overwhelming. So many people flooded me with support. A friend living in Japan even texted to check on me, listening deeply without interrupting or judging. Endless prayers and encouragement filled my post.

That was the moment my perspective completely shifted. My depression is not my aib (shameful secret). Instead, it has become a gateway to knowing myself better—understanding my life, my limits, and what I truly want. My depression is just a single chapter in my life, not the whole book. It does not define who I am; it is simply a profound lesson. Today, I am no longer ashamed. I accept it, I learn from it, and I fully embrace my vulnerability.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

 If I had the I life I wanted. what would today look like?

It would start with me sitting in a cozy café, writing while sipping a hot latte, my absolute favorite coffee. Afterward, I would wander around the city, or perhaps catch a flight to a completely different country. I would fully enjoy the journey, typing away on my laptop as the clouds pass by the airplane window.

In this life, I would constantly meet new people, share deep conversations, and gather new lessons from every soul I cross paths with. I would share these perspectives on my social media, hoping to inspire others. I would spend hours reading, freely buying every book that catches my eye. And most importantly, I would run a free English course for children who don't have the financial means to afford one, teaching them, sharing with them, and opening doors for their future. That's it. That would be my perfect day.

 What and who is worth suffering for?*

Before my dark era arrived, I always put other people before myself. But then, I realized that when I needed help, they couldn't be there for me. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, in the end, I could only rely on myself. I was so angry and disappointed back then because nobody was by my side, and nobody understood the things that I myself didn't even comprehend. It also made me mad when people tried to explain things to me that I could no longer make sense of. The feelings were just too hard to describe.

Day by day, I chose to walk alone. I asked myself a thousand questions, trying to truly understand who I was. Then, without even realizing it, I slowly fell in love with myself and my life again.

So, when asked this question, I will answer loudly: YOURSELF!

You have to fight for yourself, for your life, and for your dreams, not for anyone else. Maybe we can choose to suffer for others at times, but look at how it ends. People come and go, right? Ultimately, you have to come back to yourself. You are the only one who will always be there, standing by your own side.

So, please, love and respect yourself. Say thank you to yourself before you close your eyes at night.

Hi myself, 

Thank you for surviving and fighting today. 

You did so well, and I'm proud of you. 

I love you.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 138)

Am I truly doing the best I can right now?

This question forces me to pause. Am I living for myself, or am I still reacting to the expectations of the world?

After going through a dark era in my life, I am finally trying to focus on myself and do what I truly want to do. For example, on my journey to mastering English, I know I still have so much to learn. There is still a vast ocean of information out there that I haven't discovered yet. But this time, I actually enjoy the process. I am not doing it because of my circumstances or because of external pressure. I am doing it because my inner self needs it.

I am doing my best right now, and I am choosing to surrender the results. Either way, I love my progress and I am proud of myself. Thank you for surviving and learning through every single season. 

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years? Ten? Twenty?

Looking at my daily routines, I see myself becoming a blogger, an English teacher, and a digital content creator. I know I am not a native speaker, but I have a deep love for English. I love learning it, and more than that, I love sharing it.

There is something magical about English for me. It gives a voice to everything in my mind. For some reason, when I write and speak in English, I can be more honest, vulnerable, and truly myself. I don't know exactly why, but it feels like home. That is the future I am building toward, one daily routine at a time. I truly hope it comes true.