I Don't Know with Myself

I don’t know why, but I feel like something is completely messed up. My mind, my mood, and everything. I have a one-week holiday for Eid al-Adha, but instead of resting, I feel this heavy weight. It’s as if I have so much to say, yet I can’t find the words for it. I long for a friend, someone to dive into a deep conversation with, but there is no one around. Whenever this season of emptiness comes, I find myself drowning in self-blame, simply because I don’t know how to fix it. So, instead of desperately searching for answers, I just sit here and let myself feel the discomfort.

When night falls, closing my eyes feels like an impossible task. My mind speaks so loudly, replaying everything on a loop, and I can't find the switch to turn it off. So, I just stare at the ceiling until midnight catches up with me and sleep finally takes over.

Consequently, I’ve been waking up late. For the past two days, I’ve overslept and almost missed my Fajr prayer. I look at myself and wonder what is happening. But I know the pattern: whenever I have nothing to do—when the days stretch out for more than three days, the depression easily creeps back in, taking full mastery over my body and my mind.

I can't quite pinpoint what this is. I just need to write and share. For me, writing has always been the purest way to talk to myself without interruption. Here, I can bleed every thought onto the page without the hesitation or fear of being judged. In this space, I genuinely don’t care.

Deep down, I know I need someone to talk to. I know I need him. But he couldn't promise a forever, so I chose to walk away. And now, I am holding the weight of everything entirely alone. AGAIN.

Hey, you. I MISS YOU. I miss the times when we used to talk and share our days.

But wait... do I really miss you? Or do I just miss the routine? I think I just miss the routine that I’ve probably romanticized in my head. Hahaha.

The truth is, I’m just so tired of falling in love again. Tired of the vulnerability it takes to get comfortable with someone. I am exhausted, and honestly, I’ve forgotten how to open my heart after being lonely for so long since the breakup.

And on top of that, I carry this depression. So... would you still want to stay by my side?