Letters to Myself

I don’t know why, but I feel like something is completely messed up. My mind, my mood, and everything. I have a one-week holiday for Eid al-Adha, but instead of resting, I feel this heavy weight. It’s as if I have so much to say, yet I can’t find the words for it. I long for a friend, someone to dive into a deep conversation with, but there is no one around. Whenever this season of emptiness comes, I find myself drowning in self-blame, simply because I don’t know how to fix it. So, instead of desperately searching for answers, I just sit here and let myself feel the discomfort.

When night falls, closing my eyes feels like an impossible task. My mind speaks so loudly, replaying everything on a loop, and I can't find the switch to turn it off. So, I just stare at the ceiling until midnight catches up with me and sleep finally takes over.

Consequently, I’ve been waking up late. For the past two days, I’ve overslept and almost missed my Fajr prayer. I look at myself and wonder what is happening. But I know the pattern: whenever I have nothing to do—when the days stretch out for more than three days, the depression easily creeps back in, taking full mastery over my body and my mind.

I can't quite pinpoint what this is. I just need to write and share. For me, writing has always been the purest way to talk to myself without interruption. Here, I can bleed every thought onto the page without the hesitation or fear of being judged. In this space, I genuinely don’t care.

Deep down, I know I need someone to talk to. I know I need him. But he couldn't promise a forever, so I chose to walk away. And now, I am holding the weight of everything entirely alone. AGAIN.

Hey, you. I MISS YOU. I miss the times when we used to talk and share our days.

But wait... do I really miss you? Or do I just miss the routine? I think I just miss the routine that I’ve probably romanticized in my head. Hahaha.

The truth is, I’m just so tired of falling in love again. Tired of the vulnerability it takes to get comfortable with someone. I am exhausted, and honestly, I’ve forgotten how to open my heart after being lonely for so long since the breakup.

And on top of that, I carry this depression. So... would you still want to stay by my side?

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?

When I was first diagnosed with a depressive episode with psychotic features, I kept it entirely to myself. I felt so embarrassed by my condition, fearing that if people found out, they would judge me, ignore me, and stay away. But the longer I kept it bottled up and refused to communicate, the more I noticed that people couldn't truly understand or respect my boundaries. I realized I had become incredibly sensitive to everything.

After two months of carrying this heavy secret, I gave up trying to hide it. For the first time, I chose to open up about my condition to my supervisor. Surprisingly, he was incredibly supportive and offered me exactly the flexibility and help I needed. In that moment, I felt a wave of relief, like the universe finally understood me.

Three months into my treatment, I took an even bigger step and decided to share my journey on social media. And boom! The response was overwhelming. So many people flooded me with support. A friend living in Japan even texted to check on me, listening deeply without interrupting or judging. Endless prayers and encouragement filled my post.

That was the moment my perspective completely shifted. My depression is not my aib (shameful secret). Instead, it has become a gateway to knowing myself better—understanding my life, my limits, and what I truly want. My depression is just a single chapter in my life, not the whole book. It does not define who I am; it is simply a profound lesson. Today, I am no longer ashamed. I accept it, I learn from it, and I fully embrace my vulnerability.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

 If I had the I life I wanted. what would today look like?

It would start with me sitting in a cozy café, writing while sipping a hot latte, my absolute favorite coffee. Afterward, I would wander around the city, or perhaps catch a flight to a completely different country. I would fully enjoy the journey, typing away on my laptop as the clouds pass by the airplane window.

In this life, I would constantly meet new people, share deep conversations, and gather new lessons from every soul I cross paths with. I would share these perspectives on my social media, hoping to inspire others. I would spend hours reading, freely buying every book that catches my eye. And most importantly, I would run a free English course for children who don't have the financial means to afford one, teaching them, sharing with them, and opening doors for their future. That's it. That would be my perfect day.

 What and who is worth suffering for?*

Before my dark era arrived, I always put other people before myself. But then, I realized that when I needed help, they couldn't be there for me. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, in the end, I could only rely on myself. I was so angry and disappointed back then because nobody was by my side, and nobody understood the things that I myself didn't even comprehend. It also made me mad when people tried to explain things to me that I could no longer make sense of. The feelings were just too hard to describe.

Day by day, I chose to walk alone. I asked myself a thousand questions, trying to truly understand who I was. Then, without even realizing it, I slowly fell in love with myself and my life again.

So, when asked this question, I will answer loudly: YOURSELF!

You have to fight for yourself, for your life, and for your dreams, not for anyone else. Maybe we can choose to suffer for others at times, but look at how it ends. People come and go, right? Ultimately, you have to come back to yourself. You are the only one who will always be there, standing by your own side.

So, please, love and respect yourself. Say thank you to yourself before you close your eyes at night.

Hi myself, 

Thank you for surviving and fighting today. 

You did so well, and I'm proud of you. 

I love you.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 138)