I Thought I was Completely Healed

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.