Letters to Myself

Photo by The masked Guy:

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of*

I know that there is still someone from my past whose acceptance I am trying to earn. This person is him: an individual I loved deeply during my senior high school years, despite his rejection and hurtful words. I often wonder why I loved him so much back then. Even though he said rude things to me, I never responded in kind.  For example, he commented that my body was fat and covered in acne, and he bullied me constantly. My best friend repeatedly advised me to stop loving him, as he clearly never reciprocated my feelings.

I have been trying to talk to myself, urging myself to forgive that era or my life, forgive him, and accept my own foolishness in the past. However, it is incredibly difficult. In my heart, I still want to say the things I have never expressed to him before. Perhaps I need to confront these feelings:

I want to say: I hate you! I never really love you even in the past. I hate you. Really-really hate you! You are the worst thing that happened in my life. I hate you! 

In conclusion, this unresolved emotion shows how past relationship can linger, affecting our present. While I strive for acceptance and forgiveness, the pain remains a challenge. 

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

How is your life today? Write three good things and three areas of improvement.

Hidup saat ini baik-baik saja. Meski jauh dari kata ideal bagi standar masyarakat kita, tapi aku tidak peduli. Aku tidak hidup untuk membungkam mulut mereka, karena itu di luar kendaliku jadi aku hanya akan fokus pada hal yang bisa aku kendalikan.

3 hal baik dalam hidupku

1. Masih bisa bekerja

Alhamdulillah masih bisa bekerja walaupun gajinya belum dua dijit ya. Hahaa. Tapi ini masih sangat aku syukuri, karena selain dapat gaji juga pekerjaan ini membantu aku untuk bisa improve skill aku di bagian mengajar dan bahasa Inggris.

2. Tinggal bersama orang tua

Meski selalu ada cek coknya tapi ya begitulah hidup bersama orang tua/keluarga. Aku bersyukur masih bisa tinggal bersama mereka di tengah-tengah perjuangan aku untuk bisa sembuh dari depressive episode. 

3. Lingkungan kerja yang suportif

Aku sangat senang dan bersyukur karena lingkungan kerjaku saat ini sangat suportif, tidak saling sikut, dan hanya fokus pada pertumbuhan diri masing-masing. Selain itu, lingkungannya masih saling mengingatkan untuk ibadah. 

3 hal yang harus aku tingkatkan

1. Skill bahasa Inggris aku.

Jujur skill bahasa Inggris aku masih mentok di level B1-B2. Mau ke C1 rasanya butuh effort yang besar, tapi aku tetap belajar agar bisa sampai ke level itu. Semangat

2. Belajar tentang sidehustle

Karena gajiku hanya cukup untuk makan, jajan dan kebutuhan pribadi, aku harus putar otak untuk bisa menambah penghasilan aku di jam pagi sampai siang. Saat ini aku sedang mencoba untuk melamar di luar zona nyaman aku: mengajar. Hihiii Semangat juga, Ihat.

3. Rajin olahraga dan makan sayur serta buah

Ini nih, masih harus terus ditingkatkan. Meski tiap pagi suka sepedahan, cuma intensitasnya harus ditambah setiap harinya ya. Biar badan sehat dan melepaskan stres atau emosi-emosi yang membelenggu hehheee. Makan sayur sama buahnya harus sering juga, okay. 

Photo by Anna Shvets

If you didn't have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?*

If I didn't have to work anymore, I would spend my days reading numerous books and writing on my blog. This question reminds me of one of my dreams: becoming a full time mom or housewife after getting married someday. I would quit my job, stay at home, take care of my children, read extensively, and continue writing on my blog. LOL

Besides that, I would take IELTS lessons, create basic English lesson videos, enjoy my mornings and evenings with a cup of coffee, get more sleep, read, and learn Qur'an as much as possible. These activities stem from my dreams and imagination, allowing me to purse personal growth and relaxation. 

However, in reality, I love working and I think I can't live without it. For instance, during one- week holiday when I did whatever I wanted, I gradually became bored. Work provides structure and purpose to my life. 

In conclusion, while my ideas days would focus on family, learning, and creativity, I value the balance that work brings.

What about you?

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that Will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

Photo by Ricky Esquivel:

Whom do you admire most, and why?*

The person I admire most is my former co-worker, whom I worked with during my time as a teacher. He embodies qualities such as kindness, firmness, and strong leadership, which have profoundly influenced my professional growth. I respect him deeply because he consistently respects my boundaries and always seeks my permission before taking any actions that might affect me. His guidance has been invaluable, providing me with numerous pieces if advice that helped me navigate challenges.

One aspect I particularly appreciate is his problem-solving approach. He always think carefully before making decisions, and he is not afraid to admit when he cannot do something if he does not fully believe in himself. His words often bring a sense of calm and relaxation, enabling me to face problems with greater confidence. Additionally, he frequently speaks positively about his wife, highlighting how well she treats him, even in front of students. Despite his knowledge, he remains humble and never arrogant. He led me patiently, offering many opportunities without interrupting my progress. When I made mistakes, he discussed them with me thoughtfully, allowing me to reflect and learn independently. This is my first time I have encountered someone so considerate and supportive. 

In conclusion, meeting such as an individual has been a rare and inspiring experience. I hope to encounter similar people in the future workplace, as they motivate me to become a better version of myself. 

*)Brianna Wiest  101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 140)

 Your long-forgotten hobby.

Menulis, membaca dan mendengarkan radio itu adalah hobi yang aku tekuni dari sejak SD sampai sekarang. Lalu hobi apa ya yang aku dulu lakukan dan sekarang udah enggak lagi? Bentar. Harus agak mikir dulu. 

Kayaknya ini deh, main ke rumah temen. Iya, dulu pas zaman TK, SD sampai SMA seneng banget tuh main ke rumah temen. Pokoknya mau ngerjain apa-apa harus di rumah temen ampe pernah ikut tidur siang juga di rumah temen. Gak tahu deh, dulu gak betah banget di rumah. Pengennya main mulu, ketemu orang. Kalau sekarang boro-boro. Diajakin ngumpul atau ketemuan sama temen aja malesnya ampun. Mending diem aja di rumah, tidur walaupun diomelin sama orang tua tidur mulu, tapi ya dari pada kelayapan ke luar rumah ketemu orang banyak? No. Big no. 

Untuk saat ini aku lebih banyak menikmati waktu ku seorang diri. Gak tahu kenapa, lagi seneng sama diri sendiri aja, lagi anteng. Dulu boro-boro. Habis beres mandi pagi, makan langsung nyamper tetangga. Hahahaa. Meski harus nunggu karena temen masih mandi juga ya aku tungguin aja. Pernah kena omel gegara masih pagi udah nyamper buat main. Wkwkkw. Tapi ya itu aku yang dulu, gak pernah betah di rumah.