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| Photo by Wendelin Jacober |
I know.
I know what I feel.
I was angry when reality slapped me again. When he said that we would never meet in real life. Because for him, the problem is our financial situation, our distance, and how hard everything would be.
Yes, he is a realistic person. Very different from me. I'm a dreamer.
Maybe last week, I enjoyed sharing everything with him over the phone. I still remember when he told me for the first time that he was comfortable with me. He even said that I was part of his private life, something he never shares with others. We talked for almost two hours.
But, tonight. I don't know why. Our conversation shifted to us, about the future. I asked him again, "Is it okay if I'm with someone else?" And he said, "Yes."
We know, we hurt each other. We know, we need each other to support. But again, reality reminded us that wanting something and making it happen are two different things.
I do understand all of that. But deep down, the only things I wanted to hear from him was.
"Will you wait for me? So I'll save what I have and find a way to bring you here."
Just that. Then, I would wait.
But for him, it's not that simple.
He's so realistic. He doesn't want to make a promise he can't keep.
Again.
I asked him, courious about his feelings.
I know that he has another friend from another country. He said that he rarely texts her. Then, I asked something more personal. He said, he only shares that kind of thing with me.
So I asked him, "Am I special to you?"
I knew it would be hard for him to admit it. He tried to change the subject, but in the end... yes, he admitted I am special to him.
Argh, I don't know what to feel. I'm happy with him, but deep down I know. In the end, I have to say goodbye and let him go.
I care about him so much. I feel comfortable with him. I feel safe with him. He's the only one who can truly understand my emotions and my overthinking, listen without judging. Always be there for me and support me.
Then, I realized something.
Maybe he is a lesson for me. That in the end, I can only rely on myself and on Allah. Not on him.
I know, I'm sad about it. But again, I have to turst Allah's plan for my relationship. He is good, he is nice, and something I can learn from him is: don't worry about the future, don't overthink everyhting that comes your way. Just surrender, because Allah has already set everything perfectly for you. I will never regret meeting you, because you have given me so much, for myself, for my self-love journey. And you are my flashlight.
Love,
Solihat
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