Sunday, September 20, 2026
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| doc. pribadi |
Hi, how's your day?
After I felt like something was wrong with me, I went to the hospital the next day to see a psychologist. I asked my principal for permission to take the day off, saying that I was sick. At that time, I was just really, really looking for help.
Before that, I couldn't sleep at night anymore. I was awake until the adzan shubuh. Usually, after praying Fajr, I would feel sleepy. I think most people would feel sleepy after staying awake all night. But for me, nope. I didn't feel sleepy at all. Is that something wrong with me?
Then, I met the psychologist.
I told her that I had been diagnosed with a severe depressive episode with psychotic symptoms. I had stopped my treatment because I thought I was fine and completely healed. But then, the things that had once become familiar to me started coming back again for about three weeks.
The first thing she told me was that I had to continue my treatment and never stop taking my medication unless my psychiatrist told me to.
Then, she explained that before reaching severe depression, depression can develop through three levels: mild, moderate, and severe.
First, mild depression.
Second, moderate depression.
Third, severe depression.
And I said, "Yes, I've been through all of them."
My mild depression was in 2023, when the school psychologist noticed that I was starting to show signs of depression. But at that time, I was in denial and didn't believe what she said.
My moderate depression was in 2024, when I couldn't sleep well for three months, cried almost every night without knowing why, and constantly blamed myself. At that time, I also had thoughts of hurting myself.
Then came severe depression in 2025. It started with three months of poor sleep. I hurt myself by repeatedly slapping my face, and I carried scissors with me almost everywhere, even when I went to sleep. Then, I started hearing a voice telling me to die. It felt completely real. I still remember what it sounded like. I was so afraid of it that I finally realized I needed professional treatment.
And you know what? During these past three weeks, I noticed something different about myself.
For one week, I was extremely unmotivated and didn't want to do anything. But the following week, I suddenly became very energetic. I was highly focused on the things I wanted to do, and I could finish them faster than usual. I thought I was finally completely fine.
But the people around me noticed the changes too.
My mood and energy seemed to be changing so quickly, and it didn't feel normal.
So, what did my psychologist say about it?
She said that it could be bipolar disorder.
My psychologist said that my recent changes in mood and energy could be related to bipolar disorder, so she referred me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation.
I was shocked. At that moment, I felt broken.
But my psychologist told me, "You're not different."
After that, I had a therapy session where I talked to someone who had hurt me. We used a technique called the empty-chair technique. It was difficult, but it also gave me a chance to express things that I had kept inside for a long time.
And today, I received my referral letter so I can continue my treatment with a new psychiatrist.
Let's see what the diagnosis will be.
I have to prepare myself for whatever the result may be.
Even though I know I'm not okay right now, I have to face my condition and deal with it.
And yeah, it's hard.
Really hard.
But at least this time, I'm choosing to ask for help instead of pretending that everything is fine.
Please pray for me.
Sunday, September 13, 2026
Hi everyone. How's your week? I hope this week is good for you.
What about me? How's my week?
Mm, I don't have any special things for this week. Everything just went on as usual.
But there are some things that I'm grateful for.
I'm so grateful for my parents' presence. They're never tired or bored of listening to my stories. And I know that I couldn't keep everything to myself. I have to tell people close to me because I don't want to be like what I used to be. When I kept everything to myself and pretended to be okay in front of people. I just wanna be honest with myself and others too, especially with my family and my best friends.
And yeah, I'm so grateful for myself too. I wanna say thank you for being brave enough to show and express your feelings. Get rid of their opinions about me. I don't care. As long as I trust them and they are trustworthy, I'll share it.
But there are challenges for me this week.
For almost two weeks, I don't know why I feel like I'm coming back to my old self. The habits when I feel a stomachache in the morning, the feeling that I don't wanna get up from my bed in the morning. I don't wanna go to school anymore. The feeling of being heavy with this routine. Like, wow, this is coming back again. I thought it wouldn't, but then I still have the same feeling even though this is the third place for me.
Sometimes I'm wondering, is it a good choice for me? Why are these signs coming back again? Or, I think being a teacher in a formal school is not for me?
Let's try to be honest with yourself.
Yep, I really hate school administration, the routine when your job is not only teaching but there are many things you have to do, and you know? The salary isn't enough for you. Let's see, as we know, being a teacher in Indonesia is very, very bad. I think it's the same when you teach in a private school or maybe in a public school but you're still "honorer." Sometimes the foundation asks you for more, but then they forget how to prosper us. I'm so fed up with the words, "Kerja harus ikhlas, jangan hitungan." Hey, this is talking about a job, not "beramal." Don't hide behind sincere words.
Can you really pay for food with sincerity? No. Can you really pay for drinks, clothes, makeup, internet quota, and transportation with sincerity? LOL.
Sometimes, I ask myself again. Do you truly wanna be a teacher? But why is it so hard for me? I love teaching my students in the class, but I hate the other tasks behind it. And also the salary, plus the salary is late. It feels like double kill. Wkwkkwk.
I really enjoy teaching in the course. The task is clear, and as a teacher, we just focus on teaching, giving students feedback and assessment. That's it.
And the last thing that myself is also echoing is about writing. Like, please keep writing rather than going to school. OMG. I don't know why.
Sometimes I thought, from the previous place, you've got the explosion. Maybe that session gave you a sign that you have to find a different galaxy. But then, when I try to only move to a different place which is still in the same galaxy, my body feels like it's against me. It's like they're saying, "This is not what you really want. Why don't you stop enduring even in a different place but in the same galaxy, where you're still facing the same problems you've had?"
Arghh. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.
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| doc. pribadi |
Identitas Buku
Judul : Becoming a Universe
Penulis : Rara Noormega
Tahun Terbit : 2026
Halaman : 186 hlm
Penerbit : Gramedia Pustaka Utama, Jakarta
Blurb
When something comes to an end, it's a sign of a new beginning.
When there's an explosion, there will always be an expansion.
And you, my dear, were made of this earth. You are the cycle of the earth. You are a part of this universe. So, when you break and feel like you're dying inside, it's your explosion, and with it comes a rebirth. The beginning of the new.
But, before you rise from the ashes, you must be in pain. Your explosion must hurt, and it requires you to break apart. Your explosion won't be easy at all. You will need so much love and kindness along the way, so you won't collapse. You will nedd reminders to hold on, especially when you're about to give up.
And so, this book is a hand to hold. A firm wall to learn on when the heartbreak feels too much. A shoulder to cry on when starting over feels almost impossible. A sibling who wipes your tears. A good friend who teels you honest and kind truths about yourself.
This book is an endless love letter, reminding you that this is not your end. This book finds you so you can recreate yourself and be born anew. May your rebirth be the most beautiful Bing Bang ever taken form.
Tiga Insight Utama
- But here's the truth: you are not your job, your relationship status, your family, your friends, or even the numbers in your bank account.
- A season can't be forced to arrive or end earlier than it's meant to. It starts and ends exactly on God's timeline, nor ours.
- Never let anyone make you believe that the end of one chapter means your world is ending.
Refleksi Pribadi
Aku suka sekali dengan seluruh karya-karyanya Kak Rara Noormega. Buku ini adalah buku ke-4-nya yang aku baca. Dan duarr! Buku ini banyak sekali memberikan tips-tips dalam memahami dan menyelami diri sendiri. Meskipun menggunakan bahasa Inggris, kata-katanya mudah sekali untuk dipahami. Membaca buku ini serasa sedang berdialog dengan seorang terapis. Banyak sekali tips-tipsnya yang mudah untuk dilakukan dan rasanya sangat relate dengan kehidupan sehari-hari.
Sepertinya, aku tidak bisa hanya sekali saja khatam membaca buku ini. Aku akan bolak-balik ke beberapa kalimat yang aku tandai sebagai langkah awal diriku untuk bisa memahami, mencintai, dan menerima diri sendiri. Rasanya seperti buku ini tidak hanya selesai ketika halaman terakhir dibaca, tetapi akan terus aku buka kembali ketika suatu saat aku membutuhkan pengingat untuk kembali kepada diriku sendiri.
Untuk kamu yang sedang kehilangan arah, overwhelmed dengan diri sendiri, dan merasa bahwa diri kamu tidak berguna, buku ini wajib ada di samping kamu untuk menemani perjalananmu dan mengingatkan bahwa ini bukanlah akhir dari segalanya.
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| doc. pribadi |
Identitas Buku
Judul : Aku Yang Menjadi Segalanya, Kecuali Diri Sendiri
Penulis : Arkanaday
Tahun Terbit : Cetakan kedua, 2026
Halaman : 148 hlm
Penerbit : Mediakita, Jakarta Selatan
Blurb
Buku ini ada untuk memeluk anak pertama yang lelahnya sering dianggap biasa, yang melakoni berbagai peran meski bukan tanggung jawabnya, yang diam-diam menunda mimpi demi kebahagiaan keluarga.
Maaf karena kamu harus dewasa sebelum waktunya.
Satu yang perlu kamu ingat, menjadi segalanya seharusnya tidak membuatmu kehilangan diri sendiri.
Tiga Insight
- Tertawa dengan lantang adalah cara anak pertama untuk menutupi kesedihan. Dia gak pernah bawa kesedihan itu ke tempat ramai. Tapi, ketika ada yang tanya, "Kamu gapapa?" Seketika, pertahanannya runtuh, air matanya luruh. (p. 17)
- Makan di tempat yang sama. Pesan menu yang sama. Pakai barang yang sama. Bagi anak pertama, itu bukan kebiasaan yang aneh. Karena mereka gak suka coba-coba. Bagi mereka, hal baru menimbulkan potensi untuk salah. Dan mereka gak terbiasa "berteman" dengan kesalahan. (p. 73)
- Hei, anak pertama. Perasaan dulu kamu punya banyak cita-cita dan keinginan tentang masa depan. Tapi, kenapa sekarang di pikiranmu cuma soal bekerja, bertahan hidup, dan menghidupi keluarga? Ke mana perginya semua harapanmu itu?
Refleksi Pribadi
Membaca buku ini sungguh di luar ekspektasi. Aku kira isinya hanya akan menceritakan kisah-kisah anak pertama, tapi ternyata isinya luar biasa lebih dari itu. Tulisannya yang singkat, jelas, to the point, dan padat membuat aku, si anak pertama ini, bisa dengan mudah mencernanya dengan baik. Bahkan, hampir seluruh isinya adalah perwakilan dari isi hatiku yang sulit untuk bisa disampaikan.
Semua perasaanku seolah tervalidasi oleh kata-kata dalam buku ini. Bahkan, aku bisa menyelesaikan buku ini hanya dalam sekali duduk. Rasanya seperti sedang membaca isi kepala dan hati sendiri yang selama ini sulit untuk aku ungkapkan.
Untuk kamu, si anak pertama yang terbiasa pura-pura kuat, buku ini cocok untuk menemani kamu dan memvalidasi perasaan yang selama ini mungkin kamu pendam sendiri. Semangat untuk para perempuan anak pertama!
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| doc. pribadi |
Identitas Buku
Judul: Welcoming Feelings
Penulis: Rara Noormega
Cetakan: Cetakan kedua, Februari 2024
Penerbit: Gramedia Pustaka Utama, Jakarta
Hey, how are you feeling?
Don't be ashamed of the feelings you have inside of you.
Those tears look pretty on you too. It makes you see things clearer from a different point of view.
Don't be scared to look so blue: even the ocean has the same color, and its waves are still crashing so proudly into the cliff - and you should be proud yourself too.
As long as you breathe, you will feel so many things. Because since the day you were born, you survived because you're able to feel.
This book will remaind you about the strength that you were born with. This book will remind you about the love and kindness that grows inside your heart. Let us dive into your mixed feelings, and may the words within this book ease your heavy heart.
This book is your safe space.
This book will accept you exactly as you are.
Dear you,
welcome home.
Tiga Insight Utama
- But at least try to say, "Dear self, I forgive you." Please remember that holding on the past will make your heart heavy. Not everything is your fault. Having heartbreak is a part of being human. (p. 16)
- Letting go is nevery easy, but holding on to the things you can't control is harder. It's time to surrender and allow yourself to let go. Your mind deserves to take a rest, and your heart deserves to feel serene. Allow yourself to believe. To trust. To have faith. (p. 33)
- The kind of acceptance which makes you realize that not everyone will accept you, and that's totally okay. (p. 90)
Refleski Diri
Kalimat ini benar-benar membuat aku meneteskan air mata. Sadar bahwa selama ini aku sudah sering menyalahkan diri sendiri atas kegagalan apa pun yang terjadi. Bahkan ketika kesuksesan menghampiri, jarang sekali aku memberikan diri ini sebuah apresiasi yang layak. Aku terus terpacu untuk bisa mendapatkan yang lebih, bahkan lebih lagi. Hingga akhirnya aku sendiri kelelahan. Kesalahan di masa lalu malah kembali menyeruak, karena aku sendiri tidak pernah memberi ruang untuk memaafkan diri sendiri. Hingga tanpa sadar, kesalahan-kesalahan itu terus aku bawa sampai detik ini.
Aku pernah ada di posisi di mana semua harus berada dalam kendali aku. Hingga akhirnya aku sadar bahwa aku ini adalah makhluk, bukan Al-Khaliq (Sang Pencipta). Jika hal yang sudah aku rencanakan serapi mungkin lalu berantakan, dengan mudah aku akan menyalahkan diri sendiri dan menganggap bahwa diri ini tidak layak, tidak mampu. Begitu membaca buku ini, banyak sekali kalimat-kalimatnya yang menyadarkan aku bahwa ada hal-hal yang memang tidak bisa aku kontrol dalam hidup ini. Kita hanya perlu memiliki iman yang kuat bahwa apa pun hasilnya nanti, pasti akan selalu menjadi yang terbaik bagi kita.
Lalu terkadang, aku selalu ingin diterima oleh orang-orang sampai akhirnya aku lupa dengan kebutuhan diriku sendiri. Apa yang sebenarnya aku butuhkan? Apa yang sebenarnya aku inginkan? Dan kini aku belajar sedikit demi sedikit untuk menerima diriku sendiri apa adanya. Aku juga mulai sadar bahwa tidak semua orang bisa menerima aku, dan ternyata itu bukan tugasku. Aku tidak harus terus-menerus berusaha menjadi seseorang yang bisa diterima oleh semua orang. Dan itu tidak apa-apa.
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