Hi everyone. How's your week? I hope this week is good for you.
What about me? How's my week?
Mm, I don't have any special things for this week. Everything just went on as usual.
But there are some things that I'm grateful for.
I'm so grateful for my parents' presence. They're never tired or bored of listening to my stories. And I know that I couldn't keep everything to myself. I have to tell people close to me because I don't want to be like what I used to be. When I kept everything to myself and pretended to be okay in front of people. I just wanna be honest with myself and others too, especially with my family and my best friends.
And yeah, I'm so grateful for myself too. I wanna say thank you for being brave enough to show and express your feelings. Get rid of their opinions about me. I don't care. As long as I trust them and they are trustworthy, I'll share it.
But there are challenges for me this week.
For almost two weeks, I don't know why I feel like I'm coming back to my old self. The habits when I feel a stomachache in the morning, the feeling that I don't wanna get up from my bed in the morning. I don't wanna go to school anymore. The feeling of being heavy with this routine. Like, wow, this is coming back again. I thought it wouldn't, but then I still have the same feeling even though this is the third place for me.
Sometimes I'm wondering, is it a good choice for me? Why are these signs coming back again? Or, I think being a teacher in a formal school is not for me?
Let's try to be honest with yourself.
Yep, I really hate school administration, the routine when your job is not only teaching but there are many things you have to do, and you know? The salary isn't enough for you. Let's see, as we know, being a teacher in Indonesia is very, very bad. I think it's the same when you teach in a private school or maybe in a public school but you're still "honorer." Sometimes the foundation asks you for more, but then they forget how to prosper us. I'm so fed up with the words, "Kerja harus ikhlas, jangan hitungan." Hey, this is talking about a job, not "beramal." Don't hide behind sincere words.
Can you really pay for food with sincerity? No. Can you really pay for drinks, clothes, makeup, internet quota, and transportation with sincerity? LOL.
Sometimes, I ask myself again. Do you truly wanna be a teacher? But why is it so hard for me? I love teaching my students in the class, but I hate the other tasks behind it. And also the salary, plus the salary is late. It feels like double kill. Wkwkkwk.
I really enjoy teaching in the course. The task is clear, and as a teacher, we just focus on teaching, giving students feedback and assessment. That's it.
And the last thing that myself is also echoing is about writing. Like, please keep writing rather than going to school. OMG. I don't know why.
Sometimes I thought, from the previous place, you've got the explosion. Maybe that session gave you a sign that you have to find a different galaxy. But then, when I try to only move to a different place which is still in the same galaxy, my body feels like it's against me. It's like they're saying, "This is not what you really want. Why don't you stop enduring even in a different place but in the same galaxy, where you're still facing the same problems you've had?"
Arghh. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.
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