Hello! Good evening, and be ready for tomorrow, Monday. Hihii.
As usual, there are many things that I wanna share with you about this week.
First, I'm so grateful for this week because:
I could meet my therapist offline last Monday and also had an online session this morning. Even though I'm so sad because, based on the assessment result, I still have severe depression and also a tendency toward the bipolar spectrum. But I'm trying to accept it little by little. I know that this is something that I need to face, not something that I have to be ashamed of.
I got enough time to consider whether I should continue teaching at my school or not. After thinking about it for more than one week, I decided that I need to leave the school. My energy has been easily drained lately, and I realize that I need more time to recover myself. I need to listen to myself more and give my mind some space to rest.
My parents are very supportive of me. I'm really grateful because, this time, they understand that I need to prioritize myself and my recovery. Having their support makes me feel less alone in dealing with all of this.
Because I'm in a manic phase, many ideas come to my mind. And then, boom! I created a new program on my blog called "What They Have to Say." Alhamdulillah, and I'm proud of myself. Even though sometimes my mind feels too crowded with ideas, I'm also learning that some of those ideas can become something meaningful.
I still have many friends who love and care about me. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to have people who are willing to listen to me, stay beside me, and remind me that I don't have to go through everything alone.
He called me first, and we argued about psychologists because, for him, this was the first time he knew about my condition. At first, it was quite emotional because I had to explain many things. But after I explained a lot about what I've been going through, I somehow felt lega and tenang aja gitu. At the end, he said, "Syafakillah" for my condition. Somehow, those simple words meant something to me.
I could close this week by having a conversation with my best friend since MTs (Junior High School). It was really nice to talk about our memories, our lives, and how much we've changed.
The challenges that I faced this week:
Of course, I have to deal with this condition. With my mood, my brain, and also my feelings. They sometimes feel like they're going in different directions. So, sometimes I'm overwhelmed by this condition. There are moments when I don't understand myself, and I have to remind myself to be patient with the process.
I have to take a risk by leaving that school. Realizing that my current condition doesn't allow me to handle too many things at once is not easy. I need much more time to release myself, to talk with myself more, and to focus on my recovery instead of working. My therapist said that I have to avoid multitasking. And I know that when I have two jobs, my brain can't stop thinking, and it hurts me a lot. So, maybe choosing myself this time is not giving up. Maybe it's actually one of the ways I take care of myself.
During my meeting with my best friend, we talked about our Junior High School era. At that time, we felt like we were on the same page, starting from the same line. But then, when we graduated from college, everything became different. I thought about my ex-best friend and how, with her privileges, she can go abroad wherever she wants, watch K-pop idol concerts, have a good job, and continue her master's degree. For a moment, I compared my life with hers. But then, I realized that I don't have to be jealous of her life. Her journey is hers, and mine is mine. We may have started from the same place, but Allah doesn't promise that our paths will be the same. Because in His eyes, only taqwa can be the differentiator. Not because you're rich, you've been abroad, you have a good job, or you have achieved certain things in life. Maybe my life looks different right now. And that's okay.
This week, I've got many lessons that I have to learn and also some homework from my therapist that I have to do. But I'm so grateful because I can take better care of myself and love myself more.
Maybe healing is not always about becoming stronger. Sometimes, healing is about admitting that you're tired, giving yourself permission to rest, and choosing not to force yourself to keep going when you actually need to stop.
Hi, Ihat.
Thank you for holding on to this life.
I know this condition is out of your control, but please stay. Don't give up.
Remember, this condition is temporary, and you still have a blooming season.
You don't have to rush.
You don't have to become someone else.
Wait for your season, and keep growing into the best version of yourself.
One day, you'll look back and realize that choosing to stay was one of the bravest things you've ever done.
For now, just take it one day at a time.
You are still here.
And that's already something to be grateful for.
Alhamdulillah.
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