Hi!
How's your week?
Well, I'm so grateful for this week because...
First, I’m grateful that I can finally listen to myself and follow my intuition. And... boom! Something bigger has come into my life again. Ya Rabb, thank you for allowing me to listen to myself and follow what I feel in my heart. Sometimes, I don't understand why You lead me through certain paths, but I believe there is always wisdom behind them.
Second, I’m so grateful that my family fully supports me in getting treatment and taking my medication. I know this is not easy for me, and I know it isn’t easy for them either. I know how heartbroken they are to hear this news. But despite all the fear and uncertainty, they are still here for me. And for that, I am deeply grateful.
Third, I’m grateful for my supportive friends. When I thought that everyone hated me, His Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim showed me that there are still people who are kind and gentle with me. Sometimes, my thoughts tell me that I am unwanted, but Allah keeps reminding me through the people around me that I am not alone.
But there is also a challenge that I have to face.
I received a new diagnosis: bipolar disorder.
And then... how is my life supposed to be?
Of course, I feel broken. I feel like my life has been ruined, and I have no idea how to deal with this. Now, I have to take my medication again. It feels like I’m going back to the beginning. But I’m still trying to understand everything. Is it really bipolar disorder? Is this truly what is happening to me?
That's why, tomorrow, inshaAllah, I’m going to see another psychologist. I want to fight for myself. I want to understand myself better. I want to heal. And I want to find my way back to a life where I can live, work, love, worship, and grow without constantly feeling afraid of what is happening inside me.
Recently, I’ve been very sensitive. I get irritated by small things, and sometimes I have thoughts that everyone around me hates me or looks at me as if there is something disgusting about me. I know these thoughts can feel very real when they come, but I’m trying to learn not to believe every thought that crosses my mind.
Today, I had a discussion with my new community. We talked about James 3 from the Bible, and one verse really caught my attention:
“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.” James 3:14
I reflected on my last conversation with Cici. She asked me some questions, and somehow, I realized something about myself. I could summarize it like this: many of the things I have been chasing lately are connected to worldly things: appreciation from people, recognition, and acceptance from society.
OMG. I knew it.
I was wrong.
Then I remembered this verse from the Qur’an:
“Have you seen he who has taken as his god his own desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah? Then will you not be reminded?”
And:
“And they say, ‘There is not but our worldly life; we die and live, and nothing destroys us except time.’ And they have of that no knowledge; they are only assuming.” QS. Al-Jathiyah 45:23–24
Oh Allah, I’m sorry that I have misplaced my intentions.
I still chase worldly things, even though I know that this life is temporary and that there is an akhirah waiting for me.
But I don't think this means I have to ignore my life in this dunya. No. I still want to work. I still want to learn. I still have dreams. I still want to build something meaningful with my life.
But maybe I need to learn my limits.
I need to know how much I can carry. I need to understand my capacity. I need to remember that I don't have to sacrifice my body, my emotions, my mental health, my salah, and my relationship with Allah just to achieve something temporary.
I don't want to gain the dunya while losing myself along the way.
Maybe this is one of the lessons Allah is teaching me now: that success is not only about how much I achieve, how much people appreciate me, or how accepted I am by society. Sometimes, success is simply knowing when to stop, when to rest, when to ask for help, and when to return to Allah.
I know this week has been incredibly hard for me.
But I believe Allah is giving me another chance, not only to know myself better, but also to know Him better.
Maybe this is not the end of my story.
Maybe this is another chapter where Allah is teaching me how to slow down, surrender, heal, and come back to Him.
Allah, please embrace me with Your mercy and Your rahmah. Do not abandon me in this winding labyrinth. When I cannot see the way, please show me Your light. When my heart feels heavy, pour Your love and mercy over it.
Teach me to live this dunya without becoming a slave to it.
Teach me to pursue my dreams without forgetting You.
Teach me to take care of this body and mind that You have entrusted to me.
And when I lose my way again, Ya Allah, gently lead me back to You.
Amiin.
And I'm not my diagnosis itself.
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