Hi, selamat hari Minggu, and also selamat menuju hari Senin!
So, what are the things that you’re grateful for this week?
For me, I’m so grateful that I was able to overcome my fear of riding a motorcycle. For now, I can ride it to school and to my English course. Besides that, now I can finally feel how much my parents worry about me. Something that I’ve been waiting for. When I was at school, they never really showed how worried they were about me.
Now, when I get home late, they text me asking where I am and telling me to come home early because there might be geng motor around. And when I leave for work, they say things like, “Hati-hati di jalan.” It makes me feel so warm inside, and I’m really happy about it.
Next, I’m grateful that I was able to deliver a presentation about English classroom instructions to my colleagues at school. At that time, I didn’t feel nervous or anxious. I was just like, “Okay, I just want to do my best, and I don’t care whether they like it or not, because that’s out of my control.”
So, yeah, I was able to deliver it well without putting too much pressure on myself about things I couldn’t control.
But then, we had another meeting where we discussed the same topic, this time with all of the teachers. The English teacher who was responsible for the presentation was my friend. Before the meeting, she asked me what topic I had presented before, so I sent her my PowerPoint. I thought she would change it and use her own version, but when she presented it, she actually used my PPT. And of course, my name was still on it.
However, her presentation wasn’t exactly the same as mine. The functions and meanings of some of the expressions were presented differently from what I had explained to my SMP team before.
But yeah, that’s okay. Instead, I felt like she was me in the past.
When I was a beginner at my previous school and had to present something new to senior teachers, I was nervous, and my presentation didn’t go well. So when I saw her, I could understand how she felt. Maybe this is also a reminder for me not to judge someone too quickly when they are still learning.
The last thing I’m so grateful for this week is that I closed the week with a warm and meaningful discussion with my new community.
It reminded me of the group discussions I used to have when I was in Bandung. We discussed some verses from the Bible and reflected on them together.
I don’t know why, even though we have different faiths, there are still so many good deeds and values that we share. And you know what? The verses we discussed this evening really slapped me in the face—in a good way.
It felt like the realization about my life purpose that I had been praying for was finally given to me through this meeting.
First, I realized that I’m still struggling with my life purpose.
Like, yeah, I want to be rich so I can travel abroad. It’s something I really, really want. But the reality is very far from that dream. You know, the salary of being a teacher in Indonesia sometimes makes that kind of dream feel almost impossible.
So sometimes, I force myself to do more. I push myself too hard, and in the end, I hurt myself.
Then, when I’m tired or sick, I blame Allah.
“Ya Allah, why does my body get sick so easily? Why am I so weak?”
But then, during this discussion, I realized something.
Maybe this isn’t a test given by Allah. Maybe some of this suffering comes from my own desires. I rush my life. I’m always trying to get somewhere faster.
Oh my God.
Then I asked myself, “Does Allah actually instruct me to live like this?”
No.
He never asks me to do more than I am capable of. He asks me to worship Him and spread kindness to His creation. He looks at our taqwa, not simply at our achievements.
And then, I wanted to cry.
Why have I been so blinded by worldly desires?
I force myself to do more and more without caring about myself. I’m always rushing through my life.
I keep looking at other people and thinking, “Why do they seem to have such happy lives? They’re getting married. They have children. They have husbands. They’re getting master’s scholarships. But what about me?”
I’m still alone. I’m still struggling with my career. I’m still struggling with myself.
But yeah, I forgot something.
There are actually so many things I’ve been missing because I was too busy looking at what I don’t have.
My parents are treating me better than before.
I’m surrounded by good people who always remind me to do good things.
I still have enough money to buy some of the things I want.
I can still wake up in the morning, breathe, and feel the morning atmosphere.
I’m still here.
And I admit and realize that I’ve been too far from Allah.
Recently, I’ve rarely read His Kalam. How will I know His words of love if I never read them and try to understand their meaning?
Oh Allah, please forgive me.
Forgive me for still being cruel to myself.
Thank You for always being there for me, reminding me, and guiding me to stay on Your path.
Thank You for surrounding me with good and sincere people.
Please heal my scars and wounds, so I can become a better listener instead of someone who easily reacts to things without having all the information.
And lastly…
I want to get married.
I want to share my life with someone. I want to have a companion. I’m so tired of handling everything by myself.
I need someone who can hold my hand and say,
“That’s okay. Let’s figure it out together. Let’s face it together. Let’s walk toward His Jannah together. I’ll always be by your side.”
Maybe that is also one of the things I’m praying for.
Not because I want someone to save me, but because someday, I hope I can share this life with someone who is willing to grow, struggle, learn, and walk toward Allah with me.
For now, I think I’ll just keep walking.
Slowly.
And trust that Allah knows exactly where He is taking me.
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