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| doc. pribadi |
Hi, how's your day?
After I felt like something was wrong with me, I went to the hospital the next day to see a psychologist. I asked my principal for permission to take the day off, saying that I was sick. At that time, I was just really, really looking for help.
Before that, I couldn't sleep at night anymore. I was awake until the adzan shubuh. Usually, after praying Fajr, I would feel sleepy. I think most people would feel sleepy after staying awake all night. But for me, nope. I didn't feel sleepy at all. Is that something wrong with me?
Then, I met the psychologist.
I told her that I had been diagnosed with a severe depressive episode with psychotic symptoms. I had stopped my treatment because I thought I was fine and completely healed. But then, the things that had once become familiar to me started coming back again for about three weeks.
The first thing she told me was that I had to continue my treatment and never stop taking my medication unless my psychiatrist told me to.
Then, she explained that before reaching severe depression, depression can develop through three levels: mild, moderate, and severe.
First, mild depression.
Second, moderate depression.
Third, severe depression.
And I said, "Yes, I've been through all of them."
My mild depression was in 2023, when the school psychologist noticed that I was starting to show signs of depression. But at that time, I was in denial and didn't believe what she said.
My moderate depression was in 2024, when I couldn't sleep well for three months, cried almost every night without knowing why, and constantly blamed myself. At that time, I also had thoughts of hurting myself.
Then came severe depression in 2025. It started with three months of poor sleep. I hurt myself by repeatedly slapping my face, and I carried scissors with me almost everywhere, even when I went to sleep. Then, I started hearing a voice telling me to die. It felt completely real. I still remember what it sounded like. I was so afraid of it that I finally realized I needed professional treatment.
And you know what? During these past three weeks, I noticed something different about myself.
For one week, I was extremely unmotivated and didn't want to do anything. But the following week, I suddenly became very energetic. I was highly focused on the things I wanted to do, and I could finish them faster than usual. I thought I was finally completely fine.
But the people around me noticed the changes too.
My mood and energy seemed to be changing so quickly, and it didn't feel normal.
So, what did my psychologist say about it?
She said that it could be bipolar disorder.
My psychologist said that my recent changes in mood and energy could be related to bipolar disorder, so she referred me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation.
I was shocked. At that moment, I felt broken.
But my psychologist told me, "You're not different."
After that, I had a therapy session where I talked to someone who had hurt me. We used a technique called the empty-chair technique. It was difficult, but it also gave me a chance to express things that I had kept inside for a long time.
And today, I received my referral letter so I can continue my treatment with a new psychiatrist.
Let's see what the diagnosis will be.
I have to prepare myself for whatever the result may be.
Even though I know I'm not okay right now, I have to face my condition and deal with it.
And yeah, it's hard.
Really hard.
But at least this time, I'm choosing to ask for help instead of pretending that everything is fine.
Please pray for me.
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