Letters to Myself

Hai, selamat memasuki hari Senin di esok hari. Untuk kamu yang tengah bersiap-siap untuk menghadapi esok hari, semoga harinya dilancarkan dan sesuai dengan apa yang direncanakan, ya!

So, how was your week?

Nothing special.

Cuma seminggu ini aku babak belur dengan flu, batuk, asma yang datang silih berganti. Baru kali ini, entah mengapa, asmanya terasa the worst in my life. Kadang aku berpikir, apa sebenarnya tubuh aku terus meronta-ronta, meminta aku untuk lebih banyak istirahat dulu daripada kedebag-kedebug bekerja?

Tapi gimana, ya? Aku juga dilema. Di satu sisi, aku juga butuh uang. Aku nggak bisa mengandalkan siapa-siapa lagi selain mengandalkan diri sendiri. Meski sedih sih, sebenarnya, tapi mau bagaimana lagi, ya?

Orang tua juga sudah khawatir banget dengan kondisi aku yang akhir-akhir ini mudah sakit, dan sakitnya sudah bukan main-main lagi. Apalagi kalau asmanya udah kambuh. Mereka juga dilema. Mereka minta aku untuk berhenti kerja, tetapi mereka juga nggak bisa afford kebutuhan pribadi aku. Ditambah kondisi keuangan mereka juga lagi nggak baik-baik saja.

Kadang aku mikir, udah kerja keras mati-matian dari pagi sampai malam kadang, tapi ya penghasilannya segitu-gitu saja, bahkan masih di bawah UMR. Boleh nggak sih nyalahin pemerintah? Kalau kayak gini terus, kapan aku bisa keluar dari garis kemiskinan ini? Dan lucunya lagi desil aku berada di antara 6-10. WKWKKWKWKWKWK. Kadang memang hidup se-absurd itu, ya.

Apalagi pekerjaan aku adalah guru.

Ya, nggak usah ditanyain lagi, ya, gimana jadi guru di negeri ini.

MIRIS.

Kadang rasanya aku pengen menyerah dengan semua ini. Tapi aku sadar, mengambil keputusan besar tanpa dasar yang kuat dan tanpa backup dana yang cukup juga bukan keputusan yang bijak.

Meski begitu, hal yang paling aku syukuri adalah kedua orang tua aku nggak pernah menuntut aku dan tetep support pekerjaan aku. Cuma ya, aku juga pengen bisa bantu mereka, meringankan beban mereka. Dan ini belum bisa.

Begitu pun mereka sebaliknya. Mereka juga ingin memberikan aku lebih, tapi apa daya. Untuk sekadar bisa bertahan hidup di era sekarang saja sudah lebih dari cukup.

Aku sadar dan aku semakin memahami kondisi diriku saat ini. Aku nggak bisa mengerjakan semua hal sekaligus. Memang ini kapasitas aku. Aku hanya bisa merangkak sedikit demi sedikit untuk bisa keluar dari lingkaran kemiskinan ini.

Aku nggak bisa lagi keras sama diri sendiri untuk melakukan banyak hal yang memang diri aku sendiri saja nggak sanggup.

Ihat,

Ingat, ya, nggak semua hal harus kamu tanggung sendiri.

Nggak semua hal harus menjadi penyesalan kamu hanya karena kamu belum bisa mewujudkan keinginan kamu.

Niat baikmu tetap akan menjadi nilai kebaikan di sisi Allah.

Kamu pelan-pelan saja, ya, berjalan. Jangan lari, apalagi ngebut-ngebut.

You're not competing with others.

Ingat, semua ini hanya temporary. Nggak akan selamanya kamu berada dalam posisi ini.

Tetap berprasangka baik atas takdir-Nya, ya.

Tetap minta tolong dan libatkan Allah dalam setiap urusanmu.

Aku tahu, di usia kamu saat ini, kamu ingin karier yang cemerlang, gaji yang cukup tanpa harus babak belur kerja ke sana kemari, menikah dengan orang yang bisa membimbing kamu, mengimbangi kamu, dan saling support untuk mewujudkan mimpi masing-masing.

Tapi semua itu harus di-hold dulu untuk saat ini.

Mungkin Allah ingin memberikan kamu banyak kesempatan untuk mengenal diri sendiri, ngobrol sama diri sendiri, dan memberikan kamu lebih banyak waktu untuk membuat kenangan yang baik bersama kedua orang tua kamu; sesuatu yang selama ini hilang dari hidup kamu dan baru kali ini bisa kamu nikmati.

Mungkin ini adalah kesempatan untuk menikmati semua itu sebelum waktu akhirnya memisahkan.

Jadi, apa yang kamu cari, Hat?

Hat, lihat terus ke atas bikin kamu banyak kufur sama nikmat yang sudah Allah kasih.

Ingat, apa yang mereka tampilkan di media sosial itu pasti sebanding dengan apa yang harus mereka relakan, meski mereka nggak akan pernah mau show itu.

Selama kamu bernapas di dunia ini, masalah akan terus datang menghampiri dirimu. Dan kamu juga harus ingat bahwa Allah menciptakan dunia ini bukan untuk bersenang-senang, tetapi memang sebagai tempat untuk berjuang.

Apalagi bagi seorang yang beriman, hidup nggak akan pernah lepas dari yang namanya ujian.

Dan Allah juga nggak melihat hasil semata dari seorang hamba, tetapi juga usaha, kesungguhan, dan keimanannya atas takdir yang telah ditetapkan untuknya.

When your life feels hard, please go back to Allah, go back to yourself.

Hug yourself tightly, forgive yourself, and appreciate yourself.

Please don't be hard on yourself.

She is the only one who will always be there for you, no matter what happens in the future.

Janji, ya, nggak akan pernah keras lagi sama diri sendiri.

Janji, ya, nggak akan marah-marah lagi kalau diri sendiri sudah mulai capek, lemas, bahkan sakit.

Lepaskan hal-hal yang sulit untuk bisa kamu raih saat ini.

Kamu nggak perlu mengejar segitunya.

Relax and enjoy your moment now.

Pelan-pelan saja, Hat.

Kamu nggak sedang berlomba dengan siapa-siapa.

Kamu cuma lagi belajar aja gimana caranya bisa menjalani hidupmu sendiri tanpa harus lihat kiri-kanan sebagai pembanding. 

I know.

I'm so hard on myself.

I never give myself space to breathe for a while.

I always force myself to run like everyone else,

to achieve things that require so much effort.

You didn't just start from zero.

You started from minus.

Hey.

Stop being so hard and rude to yourself.

Not everything has to be carried by you.

You don't have to be strong all the time.

It's okay to feel weak.

Just allow yourself to have weaknesses.

You're not behind.

Maybe Allah is protecting you from something that might hurt you.

Just calm down, relax, and go with the flow.

You don't have to hurry.

You're not competing with anyone.

You're not even competing with your siblings.

I know you need someone to talk to, someone to accompany you and make you feel less alone.

But believe me, that person will come into your life.

Don't worry.

For now, just prepare yourself to become a better version of yourself.

Accept everything about yourself and learn to love yourself as well.

Throw away the mask.

You can't always pretend that you're okay.

You are allowed to be sad.

You are allowed to be angry.

You are allowed to be disappointed.

And that's okay.

That's normal.

One thing I want to remind you of is this:

Please stop comparing your life to the lives you see on other people's screens.

You never know what is happening behind those screens.

Love your life.

Embrace yourself.

And celebrate every small thing you manage to achieve.

I love you,

and I forgive you.

You're not alone.

You still have a lovely family who loves you endlessly.

Yes, you still have them.

They don't ask you to be perfect anymore.

They only want you to be happy and to see you smile.

So please, don't carry everything by yourself.

You don't have to carry it all alone.

Just let it go.

Let yourself be free.

And enjoy your life.

This week has taught me a lot about life.

First, I decided to return to school. It was unpredictable. As you know, my plan was to study English hard to get a higher score. But then, I realized something: I only truly understand after I teach or share with other people. That is my learning style: learning by teaching.

I know this is not easy. In the morning, I have to go to school, and in the evening, I teach at the English course. Sometimes this routine makes me tired. My parents spoke to me and asked how I felt. For the first time, I felt truly cared for. They asked me, "Are you tired? Do you feel forced because of our family's condition?" But my answer was no. I just want to do it and learn to face my own fears.

Second, I don’t know how to express this properly, but even though I am the newest teacher at school, I love the environment and the principal. Based on my observations over these past two weeks, she doesn't just look at the results—she really appreciates the process itself. She never lets me feel alone.

Third, I met my former colleague, and she shared her situation with me. It made me so angry! She was yelled at by a stakeholder in front of many people. It was crazy! Even though this person is the child of an ustadz, they showed no manners (adab) at all. She cried in front of me while telling the story. This made me realize that just because someone is the child of a religious leader, it doesn't mean they have good character. Never judge a book by its cover!

What relieved me was that she finally resigned from that school. I tried to remind her that all her feelings are valid. She doesn't have to force herself to forgive them right away. She should give herself space to feel and process her emotions.

Finally, I want to say Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah, and thank you to myself. Thank you for letting yourself experience a new atmosphere. Thank you for trusting Allah’s plan, asking for His help in every situation, and leaving the results to Him. Everything happens for a reason and by His permission.

Thank you for treating yourself gently. You don't have to force yourself to be perfect all the time. Allow yourself to make mistakes, because making mistakes is normal and helps you learn. Remember, nobody is perfect.

Embrace every single part of your life. You cannot control everything, only Allah can.

What kind of thoughts often hold you back?

Lately, the thoughts that hold me back are: "Am I capable of this? Can I handle it? What if I fail? What if this is the wrong choice for me?"

There are many good words for positive affirmation, but sometimes they don't work for me. I still doubt myself, and the fear of failure still haunts me.

But then, I remember something important: everything happens in this world by Allah’s permission. Your failures do not define who you are. They are only a part of your life. If you fail, at least you tried. You will not regret it because, in the end, you still learn a valuable lesson.

Remember, every new place has a different story for you. Not everything will end up like your past experience. Say Alhamdulillah because Allah allows you to be there. And if you fail, that is okay as long as you prepare well and give your best. Do not look for applause from people. Just seek His ridha, and your path will feel lighter.

Photo by juliane Monari

Today, I am officially 29. As I tiptoe closer to my thirties, I feel nervous, a little sad, but deeply proud of the person I’m becoming.

My twenties were full of fighting. but in this last stretch, I finally learned to accept, know, and love myself more. The biggest lesson? Accepting all my feelings, making peace with my depression, and stepping out of the race of comparison.

When depression first hit, I was so angry and in denial. But over time, I learned to embrace my condition gently and completely.

My biggest milestone this year isn't external, it’s forgiving those who hurt me in the past, and building a bridge of love and understanding with my parents. They are now my biggest support system.

Here’s to my last year in my twenties. May it bring peace, joy, a gentle heart... and maybe a true love and a very healthy bank account.

O Allah, thank you for guiding me to forgive, accept, and love my life. 

Thank you for always be there for me, through both my dark and my light eras. 

Please stay with me, and never let me walk alone without Your guidance. 

The last, happy birthday myself! 

Happy birthday to me! 

 The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.

The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.*

I found this quote in a book I read, and it made me stop and think. Is this really true? When I see someone's behavior, do I love it because I also value it in myself?

I think the answer is yes. For example, I really appreciate people who are good listeners. I love this quality because I always try to listen to others carefully without interrupting or judging their stories. I value that trait in myself, so I admire it in others too.

However, the second part of the quote is harder to accept. When I dislike something in another person, it often acts like a mirror. Sometimes, I hate a specific attitude in others because I secretly have it in myself, but I refuse to admit it. Other times, I dislike it because it reminds me of a weakness I am trying hard to fix.

People are like mirrors for our own hearts. They help us see what we love about ourselves and what we still need to heal.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 16)

I used to think that I had to be happy every day. I believed that feeling happy meant winning at life. So back then, I suppressed my feelings and ignored every emotion that came. But keeping them inside was like holding a bomb, and finally, it exploded.

My psychiatrist told me that one of the reasons for my depression was my habit of harboring my feelings. I never expressed my pain and never talked about it. I just held everything by myself.

But then, I realized something important. Feeling sad, angry, or disappointed is completely normal. These feelings are part of life, and what you feel at a difficult time does not define who you are. Emotions are like seasons. They come and go. They are temporary, not permanent.

Did Allah promise that we have to live with happiness all the time? No, He did not.

In fact, Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155):

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient."

Even the prophets felt sad and faced heavy trials in their lives. Sadness is not a sign of weak faith; it is just a natural part of being human. Allah also reminds us in Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5–6) that hardship and ease always come together: "For indeed, with hardship comes ease."

So please, embrace every feeling that comes. Every emotion is normal, and it is part of life. Healing is not about being happy every day. It is about giving yourself permission to feel, knowing that Allah is always with you through every season.

Healing is really just letting yourself feel every feeling is worthwhile.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 41)

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?*

I would do everything I want without fear of judgment. So often, we hesitate to take a step forward because we aren't ready for people’s reactions, comments, or criticism.

But if we really think about it: why should we let their opinions hold us back? Why don't we trust ourselves more? It is hard, but if you want to grow, you have to move forward and learn to tune out the noise. Let them speak; let them keep their perspectives. This is your life, and nobody gets to dictate how you live it. You are independent, and you hold the pen to your own story.

Yet, the hardest judgments often come from the people closest to us. Sometimes their criticism stems from worry, or simply from seeing things differently. And that's okay. But at the end of the day, the ultimate decision-maker for your life is still you.

I hope you learn to trust and listen to your inner voice above all others.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

Living back with my parents after spending three years away in Bandung opened my eyes to a quiet reality: their struggles are real, yet they always choose to hide them from their children.

A year ago, I moved back to my hometown after realizing my mental health was deteriorating, leading to a diagnosis of a depressive episode. Throughout this past year at home, I often felt helpless, as if I couldn't contribute much because I was still fighting my own inner battles every single day.

But lately, I’ve been thinking deeply. I know my trauma lingers, it was born in my past, yet its shadows still haunt me even when I step into new spaces. Still, I ask myself: how long will I let my fear win? How long will I allow my past to hold me back while I truly want to stand up and support my parents financially?

So, what should I do next? Is it time to try again: to face my trauma, anchor it firmly in the past, and remind myself that this place is new? The environment, the atmosphere, the people, and the chapters ahead are all fresh. Maybe it’s time to let the newness finally begin.

I used to force myself to be full of energy every day. I tried to kill my laziness and low mood by pretending to be enthusiastic and cheerful. But in the end, that mask was slowly killing me. I used to pretend that everything was okay, suppressing my emotions and replacing them with a fake smile.

Eventually, I had to pay the price with a long, dark era. It was a time when all suppressed feelings suddenly knocked on my door loudly, demanding to be felt and embraced. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed back then. I cried a lot without even knowing the reason. But when I started writing down every feeling that came, I realized it had gone too far. I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Now, I am learning to accept and embrace every emotion. I don't run away from them. Even on days when I have low energy to teach my class, I still show up. I accept how I feel and teach my students as usual. I might not give them 100% of my usual energy, but at the end of the day, everything turns out fine.

Just because you are low on energy doesn't mean everything will be ruined. No, it won't. I am so grateful to work in a supportive place that understands this. They make me feel like a human, not a robot. I am allowed to feel sad, happy, disappointed, or just flat.

Real emotional maturity is how throuhgly you let yourself feel anything.*

And yes, I feel so light right now, not heavy like before. I am learning to enjoy my life with every emotion that comes. It is okay, and it is normal. Because after all, we are only human.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 39)

Photo by Büşranur

What makes you smile on any given day?

This question makes me think. And yes, the thing that makes me smile every single day is the sky. When I look up at the sky, I feel calm and happy. I love looking at the sky in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, or at night.

I love seeing the orange sky in the morning, the blue sky in the afternoon, the red sky in the evening, and the dark sky at night. Even when it is cloudy, I still love it. I love every season of the sky.

The sky teaches me that everything is temporary. The colors do not stay forever. The sky is always changing, just like our lives. Everything in your life will change. It is not permanent. So, enjoy your season. Don't rush. Everything has its own time. Like the colors of the sky, beautiful things will come at the right time.

Hallo readers! 

Selamat hari Senin. 

Selamat kembali bertugas! Semoga hari Senin ini membawa ketenangan untuk kita semua. :)

Di minggu lalu, aku harus kembali berhadapan dengan relapse yang datang tanpa mengetuk pintu. Tubuhku mendadak terasa remuk, kehilangan energi, bahkan untuk hal kecil sekalipun. Sepanjang hari, kapasitas terbaik yang bisa kulakukan hanyalah salat dan mengisi perut. Sisanya? Aku hanya bisa berdiam di atas kasur, memeluk sunyi, dan kehilangan hasrat untuk berinteraksi dengan dunia luar. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam fase relapse ini, aku bahkan tidak memiliki energi untuk sekadar mandi.

Pikiranku sempat kacau karena sebuah trigger. Namun, di tengah gemuruh itu, aku mencoba memeluk diriku sendiri dan berbisik, "Kondisimu saat ini sudah berbeda, Hat. Kamu tidak lagi berada di ruang kelam masa lalu yang menakutkan itu. Kamu sudah berada di tempat yang baru, tempat yang lebih aman."

Dua hari izin tidak bekerja sempat membuat hatiku diselimuti rasa bersalah. Aku sempat berpikir, setelah perlahan menemukan kembali spark atau percikan semangat hidup beberapa waktu lalu, aku sudah sembuh seutuhnya. Ternyata, proses pemulihan tidak pernah berjalan di garis lurus. Aku masih bisa terluka oleh trigger, dan aku masih bisa terjatuh kembali.

Kini, aku memilih berjalan pelan sambil menurunkan semua ekspektasi. Untuk saat ini, bertahan dan belajar mendengarkan apa yang sebetulnya dibutuhkan oleh tubuh di tengah bisingnya isi kepala adalah sebuah kemenangan besar. Aku belajar menghargai diri sendiri di tengah segala keterbatasan kognitifku. Salah satu hal yang sempat membuatku sedih adalah menyadari bahwa ingatanku tak sekuat dulu. Efek samping pengobatan depresi ini membuat memori tentang apa yang baru saja kulakukan terasa samar dan mudah terlupa. Tapi tidak apa-apa, mungkin ini cara otakku beristirahat dari masa lalu.

Aku sadar, aku tak perlu terburu-buru berlari keluar dari lingkaran ini. Bertumbuh sedikit demi sedikit tanpa tuntutan untuk sempurna adalah bentuk rasa syukur terbaikku hari ini.

Dear myself, 

Thank you for surviving. 

Thank you for choosing to keep showing up. 

I know this season is heavy, but I believe I will pass through it. Appreciate the small steps, and embrace every feeling that comes into your life. I love you, and I accept every season of my life.

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them?*

There was a time when I truly believed I would never see the light again. My darkness era felt like a permanent sentence. It was a season of crying without reasons, of feeling entirely numb, and watching the world lose all its meaning.

I thought my life was ruined. But looking back today, I realize that the greatest miracle wasn't that the darkness suddenly disappeared. It was that I chose to keep moving through it anyway.

Slowly, piece by piece, life is reclaiming its color. I am finding my light again. If you are currently in your own dark tunnel, please remember: it is okay if you can only see an inch in front of you. Just keep walking. Everything is temporary, and one day, you will look back and thank yourself for holding on.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

What are your greatest accomplishment so far?*

My greatest accomplishment isn't something the world can see or measure. It is the fact that I am finally learning to listen to what my soul is truly saying. For a long time, I was terrified of choosing my own peace. I worried that stepping back made me selfish, but the truth was simpler: my mind and body desperately needed a rest from this loud, busy world.

Today, I am still practicing the art of listening to myself. Understanding what she needs and what she doesn't. Whenever the noise of sudden desires forces me to rush, I pause and ask my heart: “Is this a genuine need, or is it just my nafs?” I know this journey isn't easy, but I am deeply proud of how far I’ve come. Because finally, I am brave enough to choose my well-being over everything else.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

I feel like I'm at a point where I don't really know myself, my desires, or my future anymore. Everything feels blurred and mixed together. There are things I desperately want, but I’m terrified of being disappointed again. I am afraid that chasing my dreams might drag me back into that same darkness era I fought so hard to escape.

But at the same time, I know I cannot just stay in my comfort zone. A safe space can be deceptive; it makes me complacent and tricks me into forgetting my dreams, making it feel like everything is already done and there is nothing left to chase.

So here I am, still questioning my life and doubting my choices. Is it wrong? Is it right? I don't always know. But in the midst of the confusion, I have to keep anchoring myself. I have to remind my heavy heart that as long as I am walking on Allah's path, everything will eventually be okay.

You question yourself.

You doubt your life.

You feel miserable some days.

This means you're still open to growth.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 45)

Yesterday, right after I got home, a friend texted me out of the blue and asked me to join our school reunion. Without thinking twice, I agreed, got ready, and headed straight to her house so we could go together. Before we left, my mom mentioned that I might run into an old friend from senior high school. He is currently teaching at my old junior high, and my mom still remembers him fondly—he was the only boy who came to visit my father when he was in the hospital.

When we arrived, I didn't even notice him until he approached me first! His eyes lit up with genuine joy when he saw me. It has been almost 8 or 9 years since we last crossed paths. He smiled and greeted me enthusiastically, and we caught up for a moment. He asked what I was up to these days, and I told him that I teach English. Shortly after, I excused myself to go greet some other friends.

I don't know why, but his smile left me feeling so calm. I still remember how back in high school, we used to argue about absolutely everything; he was stubborn, but he was also a great leader. Yet, right beside him, I always felt like I could be completely myself. I don't know his current relationship status, but as far as I know, he hasn't married yet.

Am I falling in love? Is it love at first sight? Wait... after everything I’ve been through in my darkness era, am I really allowed to feel this again? Why does meeting him make me this happy?

My mind is spinning, and I don't fully understand what I'm feeling just yet. But I’ve decided to let it be. If we are destined to be in each other's lives, the universe will always find a way to bring us back together.

What is the most important things that must happen today?*

The most important thing is that I can teach my class about "family" well. To be honest, I am very nervous today. Sometimes I still get confused between cousin, nephew, and niece. I feel scared because I am not teaching children today; I am teaching teachers from another school.

But I believe that if I study hard, I can do it well. Teachers are human too. We are not always perfect or clever. Teachers can feel nervous, overthink, and make mistakes sometimes. However, we must face every problem. We can only control our preparation, and the rest is out of our control. Keep it up! You can do it!

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 138)

Hari ini, tanpa rencana apa pun, seorang teman tiba-tiba mengajakku ikut acara reuni SMP. Sempat ada ragu, tapi akhirnya aku mengiyakan dan buru-buru mengganti baju.

Setibanya di sana, aku kembali bersua dengan wajah-wajah lama dari masa remaja. Kebanyakan dari mereka kini sudah menikah. Namun, hal yang paling menyentuh hatiku malam ini adalah sikap mereka: tidak ada satu pun yang menyudutkan aku atau temanku karena status kami yang belum menikah. Ada kehangatan yang tulus, sebuah penerimaan tanpa penghakiman.

Malam ini aku disadarkan kembali, bahwa setiap orang benar-benar memiliki garis waktunya masing-masing. Hidup ini tak pernah seindah apa yang dipamerkan di etalase media sosial.

Aku jadi teringat, dulu aku pernah berkata bahwa aku enggan datang ke acara reuni. Aku takut dihakimi, takut diberondong pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang sensitif. Namun faktanya? Kekhawatiran itu hanya riuh di dalam kepalaku sendiri. Nyatanya, realitas tak pernah semenakutkan apa yang kita bayangkan. Kita hanya perlu melangkah dengan hati yang santai.

Setiap manusia diuji dengan porsinya masing-masing. Tidak ada yang berhak merasa menjadi "si paling" dalam hidup ini. Semuanya sudah tertakar sempurna oleh-Nya, dan tidak akan pernah tertukar.

Btw, thanks Inaa for inviting me tonight. Kamu menuntun langkahku keluar dari ketakutan. Malam ini, aku pulang dengan harapan baru dalam memandang hidup. Ternyata, masa depanku tak semenakutkan yang sempat kurisaukan. Everything is gonna be okay.

Aku sedih, aku kecewa, aku marah, dan juga kesal. Sesuatu yang sangat ingin aku dapatkan, ternyata belum bisa diwujudkan saat ini. Aku terpaksa harus mengalah pada keadaan. Aku tahu, melangkah nekat pun belum tentu menjadi jalan terbaik, karena kondisi mentalku belum benar-benar dinyatakan pulih sepenuhnya oleh psikiater—meski terkadang ego di kepalaku merasa bahwa aku baik-baik saja.

Beberapa teman di tempat kerja mulai menyadari perubahanku. Sikapku kini lebih banyak diam. Terkadang, aku memilih untuk melipat tangan dan tidur sejenak di atas meja kerja, sekadar mengistirahatkan pikiran sembari menunggu jadwal kelas berikutnya. Aku pun merasakannya; ada bagian dari diriku yang berubah sejak depresi itu bertamu ke hidupku. Aku tidak lagi seberisik dulu. Kini, aku lebih nyaman diam dan mendengarkan ketimbang mengobrol ramai ke sana kemari. Energi mental yang kupunya terlalu berharga untuk dihabiskan tanpa arti.

Di tengah kesunyian ini, riuh kecemasan tentang masa depan kerap datang mengetuk. Namun, aku segera tersadar: siapakah aku? Aku hanyalah manusia yang hanya mampu menyusun rencana di atas kertas, sementara Allah adalah Sang Maha Pembuat Skenario, penentu mutlak yang memegang kendali atas setiap ketukan takdir. Lantas, kenapa aku harus merisaukan hari esok secara berlebihan?

Keinginan yang harus tertunda hari ini bisa jadi adalah cara lembut Allah untuk menyelamatkanku dari jurang-jurang tak terlihat, yang mungkin saja menyeretku kembali ke lembah gelap yang mengerikan. Allah begitu menyayangiku. Pintu itu ditutup rapat agar aku berbelok arah, mencari pintu-pintu lain yang lebih aman, tanpa harus memaksa mentalku hancur dan jatuh ke lubang luka yang sama.

Walau hati kecil terkadang goyah dan tergiur oleh nominal angka, aku mengingatkan diriku lagi: jika kupaksakan, prosesnya akan jauh lebih menyakitkan. Aku bisa saja terhempas lebih keras hingga sulit untuk kembali ke titik normal. Tidak apa-apa jika dunia melihatku terlambat. Bisa jadi, keterlambatan yang selama ini kutangisi justru adalah pelindung yang sedang menuntunku pada peluang-peluang baru yang jauh lebih indah.

Menangis dan bersedihlah jika hari ini terasa berat, tapi jangan pernah putus asa. Tertutupnya satu pintu hanyalah tanda bahwa perjalananmu belum selesai; kamu hanya diminta untuk mencari dan mengetuk pintu-pintu lain. Tenanglah, Allah menjagamu dengan teramat sangat. Ingat itu selalu.