Letters to Myself

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Identitas Buku

Judul : Aku Yang Menjadi Segalanya, Kecuali Diri Sendiri
Penulis : Arkanaday
Tahun Terbit : Cetakan kedua, 2026
Halaman : 148 hlm
Penerbit : Mediakita, Jakarta Selatan

Blurb

Buku ini ada untuk memeluk anak pertama yang lelahnya sering dianggap biasa, yang melakoni berbagai peran meski bukan tanggung jawabnya, yang diam-diam menunda mimpi demi kebahagiaan keluarga. 

Maaf karena kamu harus dewasa sebelum waktunya.

Satu yang perlu kamu ingat, menjadi segalanya seharusnya tidak membuatmu kehilangan diri sendiri.

Tiga Insight

Refleksi Pribadi

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Identitas Buku

Judul: Welcoming Feelings
Penulis: Rara Noormega
Cetakan: Cetakan kedua, Februari 2024
Penerbit: Gramedia Pustaka Utama, Jakarta

Hey, how are you feeling?
Don't be ashamed of the feelings you have inside of you. 
Those tears look pretty on you too. It makes you see things clearer from a different point of view.
Don't be scared to look so blue: even the ocean has the same color, and its waves are still crashing so proudly into the cliff - and you should be proud yourself too.
As long as you breathe, you will feel so many things. Because since the day you were born, you survived because you're able to feel.
This book will remaind you about the strength that you were born with. This book will remind you about the love and kindness that grows inside your heart. Let us dive into your mixed feelings, and may the words within this book ease your heavy heart. 
This book is your safe space. 
This book will accept you exactly as you are.
Dear you,
welcome home. 

Tiga Insight Utama

• But at least try to say, "Dear self, I forgive you." Please remember that holding on the past will make your heart heavy. Not everything is your fault. Having heartbreak is a part of being human. (p. 16)

• Letting go is nevery easy, but holding on to the things you can't control is harder. It's time to surrender and allow yourself to let go. Your mind deserves to take a rest, and your heart deserves to feel serene. Allow yourself to believe. To trust. To have faith. (p. 33)

• The kind of acceptance which makes you realize that not everyone will accept you, and that's totally okay. (p. 90)

Refleski Diri

Hi, selamat hari Minggu, and also selamat menuju hari Senin!

So, what are the things that you’re grateful for this week?

For me, I’m so grateful that I was able to overcome my fear of riding a motorcycle. For now, I can ride it to school and to my English course. Besides that, now I can finally feel how much my parents worry about me. Something that I’ve been waiting for. When I was at school, they never really showed how worried they were about me.

Now, when I get home late, they text me asking where I am and telling me to come home early because there might be geng motor around. And when I leave for work, they say things like, “Hati-hati di jalan.” It makes me feel so warm inside, and I’m really happy about it.

Next, I’m grateful that I was able to deliver a presentation about English classroom instructions to my colleagues at school. At that time, I didn’t feel nervous or anxious. I was just like, “Okay, I just want to do my best, and I don’t care whether they like it or not, because that’s out of my control.”

So, yeah, I was able to deliver it well without putting too much pressure on myself about things I couldn’t control.

But then, we had another meeting where we discussed the same topic, this time with all of the teachers. The English teacher who was responsible for the presentation was my friend. Before the meeting, she asked me what topic I had presented before, so I sent her my PowerPoint. I thought she would change it and use her own version, but when she presented it, she actually used my PPT. And of course, my name was still on it.

However, her presentation wasn’t exactly the same as mine. The functions and meanings of some of the expressions were presented differently from what I had explained to my SMP team before.

But yeah, that’s okay. Instead, I felt like she was me in the past.

When I was a beginner at my previous school and had to present something new to senior teachers, I was nervous, and my presentation didn’t go well. So when I saw her, I could understand how she felt. Maybe this is also a reminder for me not to judge someone too quickly when they are still learning.

The last thing I’m so grateful for this week is that I closed the week with a warm and meaningful discussion with my new community.

It reminded me of the group discussions I used to have when I was in Bandung. We discussed some verses from the Bible and reflected on them together.

I don’t know why, even though we have different faiths, there are still so many good deeds and values that we share. And you know what? The verses we discussed this evening really slapped me in the face—in a good way.

It felt like the realization about my life purpose that I had been praying for was finally given to me through this meeting.

First, I realized that I’m still struggling with my life purpose.

Like, yeah, I want to be rich so I can travel abroad. It’s something I really, really want. But the reality is very far from that dream. You know, the salary of being a teacher in Indonesia sometimes makes that kind of dream feel almost impossible.

So sometimes, I force myself to do more. I push myself too hard, and in the end, I hurt myself.

Then, when I’m tired or sick, I blame Allah.

“Ya Allah, why does my body get sick so easily? Why am I so weak?”

But then, during this discussion, I realized something.

Maybe this isn’t a test given by Allah. Maybe some of this suffering comes from my own desires. I rush my life. I’m always trying to get somewhere faster.

Oh my God.

Then I asked myself, “Does Allah actually instruct me to live like this?”

No.

He never asks me to do more than I am capable of. He asks me to worship Him and spread kindness to His creation. He looks at our taqwa, not simply at our achievements.

And then, I wanted to cry.

Why have I been so blinded by worldly desires?

I force myself to do more and more without caring about myself. I’m always rushing through my life.

I keep looking at other people and thinking, “Why do they seem to have such happy lives? They’re getting married. They have children. They have husbands. They’re getting master’s scholarships. But what about me?”

I’m still alone. I’m still struggling with my career. I’m still struggling with myself.

But yeah, I forgot something.

There are actually so many things I’ve been missing because I was too busy looking at what I don’t have.

My parents are treating me better than before.

I’m surrounded by good people who always remind me to do good things.

I still have enough money to buy some of the things I want.

I can still wake up in the morning, breathe, and feel the morning atmosphere.

I’m still here.

And I admit and realize that I’ve been too far from Allah.

Recently, I’ve rarely read His Kalam. How will I know His words of love if I never read them and try to understand their meaning?

Oh Allah, please forgive me.

Forgive me for still being cruel to myself.

Thank You for always being there for me, reminding me, and guiding me to stay on Your path.

Thank You for surrounding me with good and sincere people.

Please heal my scars and wounds, so I can become a better listener instead of someone who easily reacts to things without having all the information.

And lastly…

I want to get married.

I want to share my life with someone. I want to have a companion. I’m so tired of handling everything by myself.

I need someone who can hold my hand and say,

“That’s okay. Let’s figure it out together. Let’s face it together. Let’s walk toward His Jannah together. I’ll always be by your side.”

Maybe that is also one of the things I’m praying for.

Not because I want someone to save me, but because someday, I hope I can share this life with someone who is willing to grow, struggle, learn, and walk toward Allah with me.

For now, I think I’ll just keep walking.

Slowly.

And trust that Allah knows exactly where He is taking me.

What is essential to forming meaningful connections?

Buat aku meaningful connections itu saat kita bisa menjalin hubungan dengan orang lain tanpa terasa membebani diri kita sendiri. Kita bisa bebas menjadi diri sendiri tanpa takut judment, bisa jujur atas apa yang dirasakan lalu berani menyampaikan juga, tak peduli sesibuk apapun pasti bisa menyempatkan untuk sekedar menyapa, menanyakan kabar. 

Ada satu hal yang aku pelajari dari my connections this week. Saat aku memberanikan diri untuk berkata tidak walaupun rasanya di awal sangat tidak nyaman, membebani, tapi setelah dicoba aku bisa merasakan kelegaan dalam hati. Kemudian, saat aku mulai belajar untuk memprioritaskan diri sendiri tanpa harus takut orang lain jadi jengkel atau benci, that's their bussiness, not mine. Karena apa yang mereka rasakan itu kan hak mereka and I don't have to make eveveryone pleased with me, do I?

Aku bahkan sudah berada di fase yang ada temen ok, gak ada temen juga gak apa-apa. As long as I enjoy myself. Aku gak mau berada di lingkaran pertemanan yang aku sendiri merasa terbebani, gak nyaman, bahkan kayak pretend to be ok. No, I don't want to fake anything. It's exhausting.

The thing that makes me grateful and also sad in the same time is. 

Saat aku bisa menemukan orang itu, pada akhirnya kita dihadapkan pada realita bahwa connection which we have doesn't work for the future. Aku nyaman bersama orang ini, bahkan bisa ngobrol lama padahal dalam berkomunikasi kita tidak pakai bahasa Ibu masing-masing. Biasanya aku akan sangat ke drain energi kalau banyak ngobrol sama orang lain even we use Indonesian language, but with him I don't  know why I really enjoy every topic that we discuss. Untuk dia yang gengsi dan takut penolakan dengan aku yang inisiatif, biasanya aku yang pancing dia baru sisanya aku membiarkan dia bergerak sendiri. Setelah beberapa bulan ini kita tidak ada kontak sama sekali, tapi entah mengapa malam tadi kita malah bisa kembali ngobrol lama seperti dulu-dulu yang biasa kita lakukan. Satu hal yang kini berubah adalah aku sudah tidak lagi banyak berharap kepada dia, karena hubungan dua negara yang berbeda memang banyak membutuhkan persiapan. Selain itu, untuk hal mendasar seperti finansial yang bisa kita jadikan sebagai alat untuk kita bisa bertemu di dunia nyata dengan kondisi keuangan dan pekerjaan kita saat ini rasanya mustahil. Dulu aku pernah marah sama dia hanya karena aku merasa tidak perjuangkan, tapi kini seiring dengan berlalunya waktu aku juga sadar ternyata apa yang dia katakan itu benar. Dia lebih baik menyampaikan hal seadanya daripada membuat janji yang pada akhirnya tidak bisa ditepati. Jika saat ini aku lebih banyak legowo dengan connection yang kita punya, dia sekarang sudah punya plan untuk membangun hidupnya dan ada keinginan untuk memperjuangkan visa agar dia bisa bekerja di Spanyol. Untuk saat ini menikah bagi dia tidak ada dalam kamusnya, karena dia masih struggle dengan keuangannya dan aku sangat respect hal itu. Satu jam berlalu kami isi dengan ngobrol tentang kehidupan kami masing-masing, pekerjaan, rencana ke depannya, dan juga kondisi negara kami masing-masing. Aku tahu, aku sudah terlanjur nyaman dengan orang ini. Bahkan ketika dihitung-hitung it's almost 3 years we've known each other. Meski sudah beberapa kali aku yang memutuskan untuk tidak menghubunginya lagi tapi entah kenapa ya balik lagi-balik lagi. Satu pesan yang dikirim bisa jadi bahan obrolan yang panjang. Dan aku senang dengan dia yang sekarang karena dia sudah lebih terbuka tentang kehidupannya dibandingkan awal-awal ketika kami masih berkenalan. 

Bersama dia, aku diberi kesempatan untuk merasakan sebuah meaningful connection. Meski hanya sebatas di dunia maya, tapi bersama dia untuk pertama kalinya aku merasa aku bisa jadi diri sendiri. Perasaan marah, kesal, dan semua perasaan yang aku rasakan bisa valid saat bersama dia. Aku banyak belajar dari dia tentang memandang kehidupan ini. Untuk aku yang emosional dan dia yang sangat rasional. Rasanya seperti saling melengkapi. Bersama dia juga aku tidak merasa sendiri, semua percakapan apapun bisa menjadi terasa bermakna atau hal-hal seserius apapun kadang dia bawa sedikit bercanda supaya lebih relaxed. Jika di awal aku sangat menginginkan orang ini bahkan terdengar seperti memaksa, namun saat melihat realita yang ada aku menjadi sadar. Bisa jadi apa yang kita anggap baik belum tentu baik untuk kita sebenarnya. 

Aku hanya jadi punya pijakan baru, pandangan baru, dan juga pengalaman baru bahwa tipe laki-laki seperti inilah yang bisa mengimbangi aku, membimbing aku, sekaligus menemani overthinking-nya aku sehingga bisa diuraikan dengan benar. 

Kalaupun pada akhirnya orang itu bukan dia, semoga nanti akan dipertemukan dengan jenis-jenis manusia seperti dia yang pastinya akan selalu lebih baik dan bisa menerima diri ini dengan segala keabsurdannya. 

Dan untuk diri sendiri, sebelum kamu punya meaningful connection dengan orang lain ternyata semuanya berawal dari cara kamu menerima dan memperlakukan dirimu sendiri dengan baik. 

Hey, I'm proud of you. 

It is strange how life works. When I stopped chasing things endlessly and simply focused on what I could control, everything felt lighter.

First, my friend texted me out of nowhere to check on me. She asked for my forgiveness for anything she might have done to upset me, about marriage and other things. She was genuinely shocked to know about my depression diagnosis and my psychiatric appointments.

Second, my parents gently brought up my relationship status tonight. They spoke so carefully that before I even realized it, I found myself opening up. I told them about how I was left in the past by someone who went on to marry another girl. I honestly thought I would be fine sharing it, but as the words left my mouth, my lips trembled, my breathing grew heavy, and my voice began to shake.

In that moment, a quiet realization hit me: Did I ever truly heal from this wound? Or did I just bury it under hard work, chasing my dreams relentlessly, and forgetting to ask myself what I actually want out of this life?

The truth is, I do want to get married. I want to have my own family. I want to be a wife and a mother. I don't want to spend my whole life feeling lonely; I want someone who will stand by my side and support me.

Deep down, my parents have been quietly trying to find someone to introduce to me. They believe that while they can rely on me, they should also help me find my person. Namanya juga ikhtiar, gak cuma bisa doa aja, they told me. Hearing those words touched me deeply. I felt so seen and supported. I am not walking this path alone; the people around me are quietly holding space for me.

I know I can’t wait until I am completely fine or fully healed to start living again. Healing isn't a final destination. It is a continuous journey. So as long as I am taking steps to heal every single day, why not open my heart to the possibilities ahead?