“And what if everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for?”
Damn. That hit me hard because I feel like this quote is closely related to what I'm going through right now.
When bipolar disorder came into my life, I didn't know how to face it, accept it, fight it, or even make peace with it. I just froze at that moment and thought, “Well, it is what it is.”
But when I started trying to make peace with my diagnosis, I realized how difficult it was. I had to deal with my mood swings, depression, and manic episodes. Oh my God, it was so hard. I also started experiencing memory problems. I couldn't remember things as well as I used to, and that made me angry with myself.
Sometimes, I would ask myself, “Why did Allah give me this situation, this season, and this diagnosis?”
But eventually, I got tired of asking the same questions over and over again. So, I chose to let go and accept whatever had happened in my life.
Yesterday, I saw a status posted by one of my former colleagues from my previous school. She was in Singapore, joining a school field trip.
Honestly, I felt jealous.
I started questioning the decision I had made to leave the school two years ago. I thought, “Was leaving really the right decision? If I were still there, I would be in Singapore right now, joining the program, too.”
But then, I stopped myself and tried to think more clearly.
“Wait. Before you left that school, you had already listed so many reasons for leaving. You had thought about it carefully, and you were ready to move on. Don't forget that.”
The truth is, going abroad has always been one of my biggest dreams. Speaking English isn't a major obstacle for me because I can already communicate in English. However, my financial situation limits my opportunities to travel abroad right now.
So, when I see other people going abroad, I can't help feeling jealous. Sometimes, I even get angry with myself and question the decisions I've made in the past.
But then, I remind myself that
their season is not my season, and their journey is not my journey.
This is my season.
Perhaps the things I consider bad right now might turn out to be good for me in ways I cannot yet understand. Maybe Allah sees something that I cannot see from my limited perspective.
I may not understand why I have to go through this season. Perhaps the answers won't come today, tomorrow, next month, or even next year. And that's okay.
I don't have to find all the answers right now.
I just need to accept what I'm going through, face it day by day, and learn to make peace with my current situation.
This season is temporary. It won't last forever.
I know it's difficult because dealing with bipolar disorder isn't just about managing my mental health. It's also about facing the opinions of other people, dealing with changes in my mood and energy, and learning to live with a condition that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable in my own life.
And that's okay. I don't have to pretend that everything is easy.
But I also don't have to compare my journey with everyone else's. I don't have to feel left behind just because other people are experiencing things I haven't experienced yet.
I have my own journey, my own dreams, and my own season.
Maybe today isn't my time. Maybe next month, next year, or sometime in the future, I'll have the opportunity to do the things I've always dreamed of. Who knows?
For now, I want to learn to be more patient with myself.
I want to be kind to myself, gentle with myself, and softer with myself.
Because the decision I made two years ago was the best decision I could make for myself at that time. I made that decision for reasons that mattered, and I shouldn't forget them just because I sometimes feel jealous when I see other people enjoying opportunities I once wished for.
I can be happy for them while acknowledging my own feelings. I can feel jealous without blaming myself. And I can miss an opportunity without regretting the decision I made to take care of myself.
Maybe this season isn't about achieving everything I've ever dreamed of. Maybe, for now, it's about learning to take care of myself, accepting what I cannot control, and trusting Allah's plan even when I don't understand it.
I don't know what the future holds, but I want to believe that there is still so much waiting for me.
So, dear self, please don't be too hard on yourself.
You are doing the best you can with what you have right now.
Keep going, one day at a time.
This is your season, too. You don't have to rush it, compare it, or understand every part of it. Just live it, learn from it, and trust that you can still build a meaningful life along the way.
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