Photo by Anna Shvets

If someone asked me, "What are your favourite childhood memories? Why do they stand out to you?" (sageandbloom.co), I'd say it's the time when my father used to ride me on his bicycle. 

I truly love this moment and it has always stayed with me. 

As the first daughter, I'm the only one who has this memory. Only me. My father used to take me to school on his bicycle. I remember one night, my father took me for a ride around the city on his bicycle. I wore a jacket because the weather was so cold, and I held the bike seat tightly because I was afraid of falling.

Now, after resigning from my job in Bandung and returning to my hometown, I got to feel that again. Today was my first day at a new company and my father was so excited to take me there on his motorcycle (now my father uses a motorcycle, after selling the bicycle when I was in fifth grade), I felt like his little girl all over again. 

What made me want to cry was realizing that he's getting older. Sometimes, I feel guilty, maybe I haven't made him proud enough. Maybe I should have a higher-paying job by now. But deep down, I know he never expects that from me. He is happy that I'm home. 

Now, I'm back in his house and working nearby, my father is trully happy and at peace. He said he can pick me up anytime, as long as he is not too busy. And you know what? My inner child feels really happy.

I know, I've had my share of painful memories with father too. He was very strict when I was a kid and during my teenage years. But now that I'm an adult, he's changed. He's realized that some of the ways he raised me weren't right and he made a lot of mistakes.

It's so hard for me how to explain it, but once I started to forgive everything my parents did in the past, everything slowly began to change. Now, they treat me like I'm a little girl again, even though I've grown up. Hahahaaa. 

While some people get to ride with their partners, I'm still riding with my father and that's ok. In fact, I feel so lucky. I get to create more beautiful memories with him, this time on his  motorcycle.

Before I arrived at the company, my father asked me what time I’d be coming home. I told him I could go back by myself, but he kept asking and in the end, he insisted on picking me up. When the training ended today, I looked out the window and saw him waiting there for me. I felt so blessed.

It's like... the thing I've been longing for since I was a child, finally came to me, when I chose to forgive, accept my past, embrace my wounds, and start healing my inner child. 

Hi, Ihat.

Enjoy your new journey here. The salary may not as high as before, but Allah replaced it with something more valuable, healing, peace, and pride in who you are becoming. 

And for you Bapak, I love you just the way you are. 

Love,

Solihat