Hi Solihat

You know what? Lately, I've been thinking about continuing my studies again. Entah kenapa, keinginan untuk melanjutkan studi kembali muncul, bahkan kali ini terasa lebih sering daripada sebelumnya.

Sometimes, I find myself imagining what it would be like to study abroad, experience a new environment, meet different people, and learn things beyond what I've known so far. It's a dream that I thought I had put aside for a while, but somehow, it keeps coming back.

But then, doubts always find their way into my mind.

Last year, I experienced my first failure in applying for the Australia Awards Scholarship (AAS). Before that, I also tried applying for AIMEP. Neither opportunity worked out the way I had hoped. Of course, those experiences left me questioning myself. Am I capable enough? Do I still have what it takes? What if I try again and face another disappointment?

Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm being too ambitious or simply holding on to a dream that might not happen.

But then, I came across a beautiful reminder that made me rethink my fears. Perhaps, I shouldn't let my past failures become the reason I stop trying. I don't want to look back two, five, or even twenty years from now, wondering what could have happened if I had been brave enough to try again.

I don't want fear, self-doubt, or the expectations I have placed on myself to prevent me from discovering what I'm truly capable of.

Maybe I need to remind myself that pursuing a dream doesn't always mean we will get exactly what we want. Sometimes, it's about giving ourselves the opportunity to grow, discovering our potential, and experiencing things we might never have imagined before.

I deserve to explore the possibilities that make my heart feel alive. I deserve to pursue meaningful things, even if the journey takes longer than I expected.

After all, I never know what might be waiting on the other side of my comfort zone. Perhaps, something beautiful is waiting beyond the courage I'm still learning to find.

This morning, I thought about my age. I'm 29 now, entering the last year of my twenties before turning 30 next year, inshaAllah.

Last night, I received the news that one of my elementary school friends, Desi, had passed away. She was only 31 years old.

This news made me stop for a moment and think about life. What are we truly chasing in this dunya while sometimes forgetting about our akhirah?

Selama ini, kita begitu sibuk mengejar banyak hal. Mengejar karier, pendidikan, pasangan, pengakuan, dan kehidupan yang dianggap ideal oleh masyarakat. Sometimes, we are so busy chasing what we don't have that we forget to appreciate what Allah has already given us.

We make so many plans for tomorrow as if we are guaranteed to be here to see it.

Padahal, kita tidak pernah benar-benar tahu berapa lama waktu yang Allah berikan kepada kita untuk hidup di dunia ini. Kita punya banyak mimpi yang ingin diwujudkan, banyak tempat yang ingin dikunjungi, dan banyak hal yang ingin dicapai. Namun, pada akhirnya, kita semua akan kembali kepada-Nya.

And that makes me wonder, what truly matters in the end?

Aku tahu, di usiaku sekarang, beberapa anggota keluargaku mulai sering menanyakan soal pasangan, pekerjaan, dan hal-hal lainnya. Alhamdulillah, aku sudah mulai berdamai dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu. Aku sudah tidak terlalu tersinggung ketika ditanya soal pasangan atau kapan akan menikah.

However, I still feel offended when people ask me about my career.

Mungkin karena sebagian besar keluargaku masih menganggap PNS sebagai standar tertinggi sebuah pekerjaan. Seolah-olah ketika seseorang sudah menjadi PNS, kehidupannya otomatis lebih mapan dan lebih berhasil dibandingkan mereka yang memilih jalan lain.

Sometimes, I wonder whether they truly understand how much I've been through just to get to where I am today.

Mereka mungkin hanya melihat keadaanku sekarang tanpa benar-benar mengetahui bagaimana aku berjuang melewati berbagai hal dalam hidupku. They may not see the battles I've had to fight within myself just to keep going.

Sekarang, aku sedang belajar memahami bahwa keberhasilan tidak selalu harus dibuktikan melalui jabatan, status pekerjaan, atau seberapa besar penghasilan yang kita dapatkan.

Sometimes, success is simply having the courage to start over, choosing our well-being over other people's expectations, and learning to live a life that feels right for us.

Aku masih belajar tentang itu, dan tidak apa-apa kalau sekarang aku belum memiliki semua jawabannya.

Di sisi lain, kalau bicara tentang pernikahan, sebenarnya jauh di lubuk hatiku masih ada perasaan sedih yang terkadang muncul.

When will it be my turn? Kapan giliranku tiba untuk menikah? Kapan giliranku tiba untuk dipinang oleh seseorang?

Jujur, terkadang aku juga ingin merasakan bagaimana rasanya memiliki seseorang yang bisa diajak berbagi cerita setiap hari, seseorang yang bisa menjadi tempat pulang setelah melewati hari-hari yang melelahkan.

I think it's human to wonder about these things. Even when we've made peace with our circumstances, it doesn't mean we never feel lonely or wish for something different.

Aku bisa bersyukur atas kehidupanku sekarang sekaligus tetap berharap suatu hari nanti Allah mempertemukanku dengan seseorang yang tepat. I can trust Allah's timing and still have moments when I wonder about my own.

Mungkin, berdamai dengan keadaan bukan berarti kita tidak lagi memiliki keinginan. Kita hanya sedang belajar agar keinginan itu tidak mengambil alih seluruh kebahagiaan yang sebenarnya sudah bisa kita rasakan hari ini.

But then, minggu lalu, setelah bertemu dengan seorang teman dan bercerita tentang pernikahan, aku kembali memikirkan hal ini.

Ternyata, pernikahan tidak sesederhana menemukan seseorang yang mencintai kita, melangsungkan akad, lalu hidup bahagia selamanya. Ada banyak lika-liku yang harus dihadapi. Ada dua manusia dengan latar belakang, kebiasaan, luka, dan cara berpikir yang berbeda yang harus belajar berjalan bersama.

Marriage is beautiful, but it also comes with responsibilities, compromises, and challenges.

Setelah mendengar cerita itu, aku mulai berpikir bahwa mungkin untuk saat ini, perjalanan hidupku memang sedang dikhususkan untuk diriku sendiri terlebih dahulu.

Maybe this is the season for me to get to know myself more deeply, to make peace with my past, and to learn how to forgive the people and experiences that have shaped me.

Mungkin sekarang adalah waktunya aku mengenali luka-luka yang selama ini kubawa, memahami diriku dengan lebih baik, dan perlahan melepaskan hal-hal yang sudah terlalu lama membebani pikiranku.

Bukan berarti aku harus sembuh sepenuhnya sebelum pantas dicintai. Aku tahu bahwa proses mengenal dan menyembuhkan diri tidak akan pernah benar-benar selesai. Akan selalu ada hal baru yang kita pelajari tentang diri sendiri, bahkan ketika suatu hari nanti kita sudah menikah.

But perhaps, before sharing my life with someone else, I need to learn how to be present in my own life first.

Aku ingin mengenali apa yang kubutuhkan, apa yang kupercaya, dan seperti apa hubungan yang terasa aman bagiku. Aku ingin belajar membedakan mana yang benar-benar kuinginkan dan mana yang selama ini kulakukan hanya untuk mendapatkan penerimaan dari orang lain.

I want to stop abandoning myself just because I'm afraid of disappointing others or being rejected.

Mungkin, selama ini aku terlalu sibuk berusaha menjadi seseorang yang bisa diterima oleh orang lain sampai terkadang lupa bertanya kepada diriku sendiri, What do I really want? What kind of life do I actually want to live?

And perhaps, that's what this season is trying to teach me.

Perhaps, this season is for me.

Mungkin untuk saat ini, musimku memang tentang diriku sendiri.

Tentang belajar mendengarkan isi hati tanpa terus-menerus membandingkan perjalanan hidupku dengan perjalanan orang lain.

Tentang membangun kembali hubungan yang lebih baik dengan diriku sendiri setelah bertahun-tahun berusaha memenuhi ekspektasi orang lain.

Tentang memaafkan diriku yang dulu, yang mungkin belum tahu bagaimana cara melindungi dirinya sendiri, yang sering merasa tidak cukup baik, dan yang terkadang terlalu keras kepada dirinya hanya karena ingin diterima.

I want to make peace with my past, not because everything that happened was okay, but because I no longer want those experiences to define the rest of my life.

Aku ingin belajar menikmati hal-hal sederhana yang selama ini mungkin sering kulewatkan. Menikmati pagi yang tenang setelah Subuh, menghirup udara segar, membaca buku, menulis di jurnal, menghabiskan waktu bersama orang tua, dan melakukan hal-hal kecil yang membuatku merasa bahwa hidup masih memiliki banyak keindahan.

I want to stop rushing through life just because I feel like I'm running out of time.

Aku tidak ingin terus-menerus merasa tertinggal hanya karena kehidupanku tidak berjalan sesuai dengan apa yang orang lain anggap ideal.

Being single doesn't mean my life is incomplete. Not achieving certain things at a particular age doesn't mean I've failed.

Masih banyak hal yang ingin kulakukan. Masih ada mimpi yang ingin kuwujudkan, ilmu yang ingin kupelajari, dan pengalaman yang ingin kurasakan.

Aku masih ingin memiliki karier yang bermakna. Aku masih ingin menikah suatu hari nanti. Aku masih ingin merasakan bagaimana rasanya membangun keluarga bersama seseorang yang memiliki visi kehidupan dan nilai-nilai yang sama denganku.

But I also want to learn how to enjoy my life now without constantly waiting for those things to happen.

Aku tidak ingin menjadikan pernikahan sebagai garis akhir dari segala pencarianku. Aku tidak ingin menganggap bahwa hidupku baru akan dimulai ketika seseorang datang dan memilihku.

I want to build a meaningful life, not because I'm trying to prove something to others, but because I want to live in a way that aligns with my values and brings me closer to Allah.

Aku ingin menjalani hidup yang sudah Allah berikan kepadaku hari ini dengan sebaik-baiknya. Aku ingin belajar mencintai tanpa kehilangan diri sendiri, mengejar mimpi tanpa mengorbankan kesehatan, dan berusaha tanpa melupakan bahwa ada hal-hal yang memang berada di luar kendaliku.

And if marriage is something Allah has written for me, I hope I will welcome it with a heart that is willing to learn, love, and grow.

Bukan karena aku membutuhkan seseorang untuk melengkapi diriku, melainkan karena aku ingin berbagi kehidupan dengan seseorang yang juga bersedia untuk terus bertumbuh bersama.

Sampai waktu itu tiba, aku ingin tetap bertumbuh. Aku ingin merawat tubuh dan jiwaku sebagai amanah dari Allah. Aku ingin memperbaiki hubunganku dengan-Nya, belajar menerima hal-hal yang tidak bisa kuubah, dan menggunakan waktu yang masih diberikan kepadaku untuk melakukan sesuatu yang bermakna.

Because at the end of the day, this dunya is not our final destination. One day, we will all return to Allah.

Dan ketika aku kembali memikirkan kepergian Desi, aku merasa diingatkan bahwa aku tidak ingin menghabiskan waktu yang kumiliki hanya untuk mencemaskan hal-hal yang belum berhasil kucapai.

I want to be more present in the life I'm living now.

Aku ingin lebih menghargai orang-orang yang masih Allah izinkan untuk membersamaiku. Aku ingin menjaga diriku dengan lebih baik, memperbaiki hubunganku dengan Allah, dan tidak terlalu sibuk mengejar kehidupan yang kuinginkan sampai lupa mensyukuri kehidupan yang sedang kujalani.

Aku masih berusia 29 tahun. InsyaAllah, tahun depan aku akan menginjak usia 30 tahun.

I don't know what my life will look like in the next five years. Aku tidak tahu kapan aku akan menikah, bagaimana perjalanan karierku, atau hal-hal apa saja yang masih harus kulewati.

But perhaps, I don't need to have all the answers right now.

Mungkin aku hanya perlu terus berjalan, satu hari dalam satu waktu, sambil percaya bahwa Allah mengetahui apa yang belum bisa kulihat.

Aku tidak harus memiliki perjalanan hidup yang sama dengan orang lain agar kehidupanku bermakna. Aku tidak harus mencapai semua hal pada usia tertentu untuk membuktikan bahwa aku sudah melakukan yang terbaik.

I just need to keep trying, keep learning, and trust that some things take time.

Ah, entahlah. Pikiranku pagi ini benar-benar kalang kabut.

Kalang kabut dengan kepergian teman di usia yang masih muda. Kalang kabut dengan kenyataan bahwa hidup ternyata begitu singkat. Kalang kabut dengan diriku sendiri yang, mau tidak mau, harus belajar memperlambat langkah dan memberikan perhatian lebih kepada diriku sendiri.

But maybe I don't have to figure everything out this morning.

Mungkin aku hanya perlu duduk sejenak bersama perasaan-perasaan ini, membiarkannya hadir, dan mengambil pelajaran dari apa yang sedang kurasakan.

Aku tidak tahu kapan giliranku menikah. Aku tidak tahu pekerjaan seperti apa yang akan kumiliki di masa depan. Aku bahkan belum tahu akan menjadi seperti apa diriku ketika menginjak usia 30 tahun nanti, insyaAllah.

But for now, I want to keep growing.

Aku ingin terus belajar memaafkan, menerima, dan melepaskan hal-hal yang memang sudah tidak bisa kuubah. Aku ingin berhenti memandang kehidupanku melalui ukuran keberhasilan orang lain. Aku ingin belajar bahwa tidak semua hal harus terjadi sekarang, dan tidak semua pertanyaan harus segera memiliki jawaban.

Untuk saat ini, aku ingin menjalani kehidupanku dengan lebih sadar. Aku ingin mencintai dengan lebih tulus, memaafkan dengan lebih lapang, dan berhenti menghabiskan terlalu banyak waktu untuk mencemaskan apakah hidupku sudah sesuai dengan ekspektasi orang lain.

I want to make myself a home.

Tempat di mana aku tidak perlu membuktikan apa pun untuk merasa cukup. Tempat di mana aku bisa mengakui kesedihan tanpa merasa lemah, merayakan pencapaian kecil tanpa membandingkannya dengan pencapaian orang lain, dan beristirahat tanpa merasa bersalah.

Tempat di mana aku bisa menerima diriku sebagai manusia yang masih terus belajar, masih memiliki kekurangan, dan masih membutuhkan pertolongan Allah dalam setiap langkahnya.

Perhaps, this season is not about waiting for someone to come and make my life complete. Perhaps, it's about learning to come home to myself, while remembering that my ultimate home is with Allah.

Mungkin, musim ini bukan tentang menunggu seseorang datang untuk melengkapi kehidupanku.

Mungkin, musim ini adalah tentang belajar kembali kepada diriku sendiri, sambil terus mengingat bahwa pada akhirnya, kepada Allah-lah aku akan kembali.

I came across a quote on Instagram while scrolling through my feed:

“And what if everything you are going through is preparing you for everything you asked for?”

Damn. That hit me hard because I feel like this quote is closely related to what I'm going through right now.

When bipolar disorder came into my life, I didn't know how to face it, accept it, fight it, or even make peace with it. I just froze at that moment and thought, “Well, it is what it is.”

But when I started trying to make peace with my diagnosis, I realized how difficult it was. I had to deal with my mood swings, depression, and manic episodes. Oh my God, it was so hard. I also started experiencing memory problems. I couldn't remember things as well as I used to, and that made me angry with myself.

Sometimes, I would ask myself, “Why did Allah give me this situation, this season, and this diagnosis?”

But eventually, I got tired of asking the same questions over and over again. So, I chose to let go and accept whatever had happened in my life.

Yesterday, I saw a status posted by one of my former colleagues from my previous school. She was in Singapore, joining a school field trip.

Honestly, I felt jealous.

I started questioning the decision I had made to leave the school two years ago. I thought, “Was leaving really the right decision? If I were still there, I would be in Singapore right now, joining the program, too.”

But then, I stopped myself and tried to think more clearly.

“Wait. Before you left that school, you had already listed so many reasons for leaving. You had thought about it carefully, and you were ready to move on. Don't forget that.”

The truth is, going abroad has always been one of my biggest dreams. Speaking English isn't a major obstacle for me because I can already communicate in English. However, my financial situation limits my opportunities to travel abroad right now.

So, when I see other people going abroad, I can't help feeling jealous. Sometimes, I even get angry with myself and question the decisions I've made in the past.

But then, I remind myself that 

their season is not my season, and their journey is not my journey.

This is your season, too. You don't have to rush it, compare it, or understand every part of it. Just live it, learn from it, and trust that you can still build a meaningful life along the way.

This is my season.

Perhaps the things I consider bad right now might turn out to be good for me in ways I cannot yet understand. Maybe Allah sees something that I cannot see from my limited perspective.

I may not understand why I have to go through this season. Perhaps the answers won't come today, tomorrow, next month, or even next year. And that's okay.

I don't have to find all the answers right now.

I just need to accept what I'm going through, face it day by day, and learn to make peace with my current situation.

This season is temporary. It won't last forever.

I know it's difficult because dealing with bipolar disorder isn't just about managing my mental health. It's also about facing the opinions of other people, dealing with changes in my mood and energy, and learning to live with a condition that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable in my own life.

And that's okay. I don't have to pretend that everything is easy.

But I also don't have to compare my journey with everyone else's. I don't have to feel left behind just because other people are experiencing things I haven't experienced yet.

I have my own journey, my own dreams, and my own season.

Maybe today isn't my time. Maybe next month, next year, or sometime in the future, I'll have the opportunity to do the things I've always dreamed of. Who knows?

For now, I want to learn to be more patient with myself.

I want to be kind to myself, gentle with myself, and softer with myself.

Because the decision I made two years ago was the best decision I could make for myself at that time. I made that decision for reasons that mattered, and I shouldn't forget them just because I sometimes feel jealous when I see other people enjoying opportunities I once wished for.

I can be happy for them while acknowledging my own feelings. I can feel jealous without blaming myself. And I can miss an opportunity without regretting the decision I made to take care of myself.

Maybe this season isn't about achieving everything I've ever dreamed of. Maybe, for now, it's about learning to take care of myself, accepting what I cannot control, and trusting Allah's plan even when I don't understand it.

I don't know what the future holds, but I want to believe that there is still so much waiting for me.

So, dear self, please don't be too hard on yourself.

You are doing the best you can with what you have right now.

Keep going, one day at a time.

doc. pribadi

Okay, hello everyone. Good evening!

Before I go to bed, I mean, before I go to sleep, I want to share a quote from a book I've been reading. It's by Brianna Wiest, from her book 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think.

She wrote, 

Emotionally intelligent people allow themselves their "bad" days. They let themselves be fully human.

And honestly, this quote really resonates with me because recently, I've been having some bad days.

As you know, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There are times when I feel really energetic, and I want to do everything at once. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm a superhero. But then, starting last week, I felt like my energy suddenly dropped. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to sleep.

And for the past three days, I've spent almost 15 to 16 hours a day sleeping. I don't know exactly why. Maybe it's a side effect of my medication, or perhaps it's also related to the depression symptoms I've been experiencing lately.

At first, I felt guilty because I couldn't do anything. I kept comparing myself to the person I used to be, the person who could do so many things in a day.

But right now, even preparing for my classes feels really, really difficult. I don't know why, but everything just feels so hard.

Thankfully, today, I only had to teach at my English course, not at school. And I think that really helps me because I have more time to rest and take care of myself. I don't have to rush through my mornings, and I can give myself more time to recover.

Usually, by 10 or 11 a.m., I can already feel so energetic and ready to do things. But these days, it's different.

And you know what hurts me the most? Sometimes, it's when my family gets annoyed because they see me sleeping almost all day.

I've tried to explain to them that it's really difficult for me to wake up and get things done right now. But sometimes, they just don't seem to understand. They think I need to fight my laziness.

But honestly, I'm not being lazy. I'm struggling with something they can't always see.

I know I don't have to explain my struggles to everyone because not everyone will understand what I'm going through. Sometimes, I feel more understood when I talk to people who have experienced bipolar disorder or other mental health conditions themselves.

Anyway, let's get back to the quote.

At first, I felt so guilty because I couldn't do as much as I used to. I kept thinking that I should be able to do more, just like before.

But then, I started to realize something: it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to have days when everything feels heavy because I'm human, too.

Not every day will feel light. Some days, we feel happy, energetic, and ready to take on the world. Other days, even the smallest things can feel exhausting.

And I think that's part of being human. We experience good days and bad days, light days and heavy days. We can't expect ourselves to feel the same every single day.

So, I'm learning to accept that I have bad days, too. I don't always have to fight myself just to become the person I was yesterday. Sometimes, I need to give myself permission to rest and acknowledge that I'm going through a difficult time.

I'm still learning to be kinder to myself, especially on the days when I can't do as much as I want to.

And maybe that's what it means to let ourselves be fully human. We allow ourselves to feel what we feel, to have difficult days, and to understand that our worth isn't determined by how much we accomplish in a day.

So, that's what I wanted to share with you tonight.

What about you? Have you ever felt guilty for having a bad day? How do you remind yourself that you're only human, too?

 The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.

The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.*

I found this quote in a book I read, and it made me stop and think. Is this really true? When I see someone's behavior, do I love it because I also value it in myself?

I think the answer is yes. For example, I really appreciate people who are good listeners. I love this quality because I always try to listen to others carefully without interrupting or judging their stories. I value that trait in myself, so I admire it in others too.

However, the second part of the quote is harder to accept. When I dislike something in another person, it often acts like a mirror. Sometimes, I hate a specific attitude in others because I secretly have it in myself, but I refuse to admit it. Other times, I dislike it because it reminds me of a weakness I am trying hard to fix.

People are like mirrors for our own hearts. They help us see what we love about ourselves and what we still need to heal.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 16)

I used to think that I had to be happy every day. I believed that feeling happy meant winning at life. So back then, I suppressed my feelings and ignored every emotion that came. But keeping them inside was like holding a bomb, and finally, it exploded.

My psychiatrist told me that one of the reasons for my depression was my habit of harboring my feelings. I never expressed my pain and never talked about it. I just held everything by myself.

But then, I realized something important. Feeling sad, angry, or disappointed is completely normal. These feelings are part of life, and what you feel at a difficult time does not define who you are. Emotions are like seasons. They come and go. They are temporary, not permanent.

Did Allah promise that we have to live with happiness all the time? No, He did not.

In fact, Allah says in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155):

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient."

Even the prophets felt sad and faced heavy trials in their lives. Sadness is not a sign of weak faith; it is just a natural part of being human. Allah also reminds us in Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5–6) that hardship and ease always come together: "For indeed, with hardship comes ease."

So please, embrace every feeling that comes. Every emotion is normal, and it is part of life. Healing is not about being happy every day. It is about giving yourself permission to feel, knowing that Allah is always with you through every season.

Healing is really just letting yourself feel every feeling is worthwhile.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 41)

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?*

I would do everything I want without fear of judgment. So often, we hesitate to take a step forward because we aren't ready for people’s reactions, comments, or criticism.

But if we really think about it: why should we let their opinions hold us back? Why don't we trust ourselves more? It is hard, but if you want to grow, you have to move forward and learn to tune out the noise. Let them speak; let them keep their perspectives. This is your life, and nobody gets to dictate how you live it. You are independent, and you hold the pen to your own story.

Yet, the hardest judgments often come from the people closest to us. Sometimes their criticism stems from worry, or simply from seeing things differently. And that's okay. But at the end of the day, the ultimate decision-maker for your life is still you.

I hope you learn to trust and listen to your inner voice above all others.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

Living back with my parents after spending three years away in Bandung opened my eyes to a quiet reality: their struggles are real, yet they always choose to hide them from their children.

A year ago, I moved back to my hometown after realizing my mental health was deteriorating, leading to a diagnosis of a depressive episode. Throughout this past year at home, I often felt helpless, as if I couldn't contribute much because I was still fighting my own inner battles every single day.

But lately, I’ve been thinking deeply. I know my trauma lingers, it was born in my past, yet its shadows still haunt me even when I step into new spaces. Still, I ask myself: how long will I let my fear win? How long will I allow my past to hold me back while I truly want to stand up and support my parents financially?

So, what should I do next? Is it time to try again: to face my trauma, anchor it firmly in the past, and remind myself that this place is new? The environment, the atmosphere, the people, and the chapters ahead are all fresh. Maybe it’s time to let the newness finally begin.

I used to force myself to be full of energy every day. I tried to kill my laziness and low mood by pretending to be enthusiastic and cheerful. But in the end, that mask was slowly killing me. I used to pretend that everything was okay, suppressing my emotions and replacing them with a fake smile.

Eventually, I had to pay the price with a long, dark era. It was a time when all suppressed feelings suddenly knocked on my door loudly, demanding to be felt and embraced. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed back then. I cried a lot without even knowing the reason. But when I started writing down every feeling that came, I realized it had gone too far. I couldn't ignore them anymore.

Now, I am learning to accept and embrace every emotion. I don't run away from them. Even on days when I have low energy to teach my class, I still show up. I accept how I feel and teach my students as usual. I might not give them 100% of my usual energy, but at the end of the day, everything turns out fine.

Just because you are low on energy doesn't mean everything will be ruined. No, it won't. I am so grateful to work in a supportive place that understands this. They make me feel like a human, not a robot. I am allowed to feel sad, happy, disappointed, or just flat.

Real emotional maturity is how throuhgly you let yourself feel anything.*

And yes, I feel so light right now, not heavy like before. I am learning to enjoy my life with every emotion that comes. It is okay, and it is normal. Because after all, we are only human.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 39)

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them?*

There was a time when I truly believed I would never see the light again. My darkness era felt like a permanent sentence. It was a season of crying without reasons, of feeling entirely numb, and watching the world lose all its meaning.

I thought my life was ruined. But looking back today, I realize that the greatest miracle wasn't that the darkness suddenly disappeared. It was that I chose to keep moving through it anyway.

Slowly, piece by piece, life is reclaiming its color. I am finding my light again. If you are currently in your own dark tunnel, please remember: it is okay if you can only see an inch in front of you. Just keep walking. Everything is temporary, and one day, you will look back and thank yourself for holding on.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

What are your greatest accomplishment so far?*

My greatest accomplishment isn't something the world can see or measure. It is the fact that I am finally learning to listen to what my soul is truly saying. For a long time, I was terrified of choosing my own peace. I worried that stepping back made me selfish, but the truth was simpler: my mind and body desperately needed a rest from this loud, busy world.

Today, I am still practicing the art of listening to myself. Understanding what she needs and what she doesn't. Whenever the noise of sudden desires forces me to rush, I pause and ask my heart: “Is this a genuine need, or is it just my nafs?” I know this journey isn't easy, but I am deeply proud of how far I’ve come. Because finally, I am brave enough to choose my well-being over everything else.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)