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| Photo by Sóc Năng Động |
Hai, selamat malam. Selamat beristirahat dan selamat menutup hari di minggu ini. I hope you've had a beautiful and meaningful week!
As usual, I'm writing my reflection for this week. So, here is a recap of my week.
Talking about gratitude this week, there have been so many blessings that Allah has given me! I'm so happy and, of course, grateful for them.
First, I'm so grateful, and I want to say thank you to myself because I finally made the hard decision to resign from my school before my contract ends. I made this decision because I have to prioritize myself and also my mental health. I didn't really have any reason to stay anymore. At first, it was so hard to say it, but when I was honest with myself, everything went smoothly. And honestly, I don't really care about people's opinions anymore. I am the one who has to face my problems, and I am the one who has to go through this journey.
So, yeah. When you put yourself first, everything becomes easier and lighter. Even though a part of me feels sad because I have lost my routine and my salary, I know I can't force myself to keep going when my condition doesn't allow me to. This condition is out of my control, and maybe this is one of the lessons it is teaching me: to live more slowly.
Maybe when I slow down, I can finally find myself again. And maybe, in this slower life, I can find the things that I have missed along the way without even realizing it.
Maybe losing something doesn't always mean I'm losing my way.
Maybe sometimes, I just need to slow down so I can find my way back to myself.
And maybe tomorrow, officially, I'm going to tell my principal. That's it.
Second, maybe what I really, really need is to have people who have gone through something similar to me. From them, I can learn something and maybe reflect on my own life. This week, I'm so grateful because I could talk with Ms. Amel about my job, celebrate Ms. Rere's birthday with Ms. Salsa even though she wasn't feeling well at that time, have a meeting with the English Volunteers members in Bandung, and today, I went to Ciamis to Isma's house with Eina. Then, we went to Alun-Alun Ciamis.
Those were such beautiful and meaningful conversations!
From my conversation with Ms. Amel, I got an important insight: never be afraid of something that no longer aligns with you, especially when the decision comes from something that you cannot control, like my mental health condition now. So, cover your ears and follow your intuition. In addition, my therapist has told me many times to limit my activities. Maybe this is another reminder that I don't always have to keep everything in my hands.
Having a meeting with the English Volunteers members felt like a dream. It's been two years since we last met, and finally, we made it happen. We shared our life updates, opportunities, and so many fun stories about our lives. I don't know why, but when I'm with them, I can forget about my problems for a while. It feels like a rebirth. I don't know why. I just really love these people, and I always miss them and the stories we share.
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| doc. pribadi |
And you know what?
Before I went to Bandung, my father said that he wanted to join me. But then, I told him that this was only for young people. My father picked me up at the train station and then told me that he was worried about letting me go away from him after I had lived together with him again.
I knew what he felt.
Because this was the first year for me to truly come back "home."
For 17 years, I felt like my home was more like a hell than a home. Then, when I was 18, I lived in a boarding school, so my parents didn't really know what I was going through. At 24, I moved to Bandung, and when I was 28, I moved back to my hometown.
And yeah, this time, it really feels like I'm literally going home. Maybe that's why my father's words touched me.
This week, I also closed my week by visiting my old gang, hahaha. The gang I had when I was in Junior High School.
We talked so much about life. But one thing I learned from our conversation is to never forget to say Alhamdulillah for what Allah has given you before it goes away. And never compare yourself with others, because you have your own way.
I don't know why, but this week feels like so many blessings have come into my life when I started learning to accept myself and my life.
Maybe the blessings were already there.
Maybe I just couldn't see them before because I was too busy asking why.
So now, I want to stop asking Allah, "Why me?"
Instead, I want to ask:
"Ya Allah, what will You teach me from this situation?"
Maybe this is the beginning of a different way of seeing my life. Not everything has to make sense immediately. Sometimes, I just need to trust, accept, and keep walking.
Alhamdulillah for this week.
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